the daily humorscopes for tuesday, july 3rd

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, July 03, 2012



(March 21 – April 19)

Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone’s doorstep with a tiny little note reading “Dear Big People….”



(April 20 – May 20)

What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your own darned fault, I’d say.



(May 21 – June 20)

You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting — people say it’s wonderfully relaxing.



(June 21 – July 22)

It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you’d been wondering about.



(July 23 – August 22)

That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker – so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You’ll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though.



(August 23 – September 22)

Good day to power-walk. It not only looks silly, it is silly.



(September 23 – October 22)

You will win 12,000 cases of peanut brittle today, on a call-in game show. That’s a LOT of peanut brittle, as it turns out.



(October 23 – November 21)

In this world you have a choice between being clever, and being pleasant. I recommend pleasant.



(November 22 – December 21)

You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out.



(December 22 – January 20)

Today you will suddenly realise how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.



(January 21 – February 18)

Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’d be fun to have.


(February 19 – March 20)

Good day to ponder the parable of the itsy bitsy spider, and the futility of climbing up water spouts during spring weather. You’ll be able to apply this lesson to one of your current relationships.