the daily humorscopes for monday, june 4

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will spend another full day attempting to shuffle a deck of cards with your toes. Fortunately, nobody will find out.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Bad juju today. Stay well clear of West African carved figurines.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

A man with a single eyebrow is following you. You haven’t borrowed any money lately, I hope?

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You know that how you dress will invevitably send a message to those around you. In this case, your message is “Help! Help!”

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Good day to buy chocolate for someone you love.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you’ll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you’re in.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will discover the secret to becoming a great artist! You can stick anything you want on the wall, the trick is to make people think deep thought went into it. For example, spray-paint a bathroom pluger gold, and stick little angel wings on it. Call it “Life In The Details”.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You’ll become part of the Formal Attire Resurgence movement. Be wary of the Casualist Party though – there’s someone out there just dying to spit on your spats.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Your sudden fascination with podiatry is nothing to worry about, and should fade with time. Eventually, the only remaining evidence will be your usual telephone greeting: “Hello, how are your feet?”