Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you’ll develop a rare mental disorder, causing you to mix metaphors. But don’t you worry — you can’t make an omlette without a silver lining, and in this case, you’ll discover that everyone will confuse mixed metaphors with management potential. BIG promotion in store.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Good day to remember your kinship with all living things. Except perhaps mildew. There’s no point in remembering your kinship with mildew, at least not today.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Remember: loose lips sink ships. The really strange thing is, nobody’s ever been able to explain to me why ships have lips in the first place, especially if they’re that risky.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You’re fussing with your hair too much. Perhaps you should temporarily cut back on shampoo. Or at least demand real poo.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

And old friend will call today, who you haven’t talked to in years. He’ll remind you that you owe him money.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with “muzac” in the grocery store. It’s the beginning of the long slow slide, I’m afraid. Next stop: collecting “nick knacks”.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Today you will find a really big piece of lint in your pocket. That’s it, though, for today’s excitement.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will make people squirm, today. Surprisingly, some of them will show remarkable talent at squirming.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don’t worry, though, it’s probably nothing.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will attain your dream of having your own cooking show, but it will become tiresome when you have to battle your way past people dressed as chickens to get into the studio each day.