Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will find a small speckled egg, shimmering a little, in the fireplace. If you keep it warm in a 350 degree oven for 3 weeks, it will hatch into a small dragon, and then eat you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will find a many-legged creature under the fridge. Unfortunately, it will be the size of a small horse, and actually will be making off with the fridge, when you spot it. My advice? Let him have it.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today you will take comfort in the thought that Jesus loves you, particularly since nobody else likes you very much.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

When’s the last time you did something nice for Doug? Sure, he’s cranky a lot, and dresses funny, but he’s a good person. Perhaps you should take him to lunch?

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Excellent day to fly a kite shaped like a life-sized pterodactyl. Try to get it to hover just outside someone’s office window.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you will begin work on a life-size pterodactyl robot, which you will use to terrorize the city. Either that or you’ll take a nap. It just depends what sort of mood you’re in.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Your ancestors were berserkers — feared warriors who attacked without fear or common sense. You will soon enter the same state of mind, and when you finally “snap out of it”, you will find an enormous pile of peeled potatoes and family members edging towards the door.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Your popularity is on the rise, at last. People think of you as warm and fuzzy, and have a secret desire to hug you. Don’t let them see you during a full moon, however.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Good day to begin construction of a labyrinth. Everybody loves a labyrinth.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Time for a career change. Have you considered the exciting and lucrative career of “despot”? One of the nice perks about that is that you can wear a rediculous hat without people laughing at you.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’re having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.