Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You’ll go out to dinner with a new person, soon. Remember the advice of my old Uncle Stonebender, though: “It’s fine if someone eats like a bird, as long as they don’t have kids.”

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Today is not a good day to be yourself. In fact, that might even be dangerous. Be someone else, until further notice.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags…

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Don’t do that. Your face could get stuck that way. Oh, I’m sorry. I hadn’t realized it already did…

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Hide.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say “bad bush!” in a loud stern tone.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Good day to call an old friend, and reminisce. (It turns out to be much much harder to reminisce with a new friend, although it’s often entertaining to try.)

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

That new employee seems honest, and is a really hard worker – so who cares if she wants to wear a studded dog collar? You’ll have to draw the line at butt sniffing, though.