the daily humorscopes for thursday, sept. 29

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I’m sorry.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Excellent day to go half-barefoot. (One shoe only.) Answer no questions about it, though. Just say “I prefer not to talk about it.”

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Your ACME Rocket Sled arrives today!

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It’s not as if you always had an irridescent green mohawk, you know?

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Do not snitch a jelly donut today, when nobody is looking. The chocolate frosted one is much better.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few Brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone’s doorstep with a tiny little note reading “Dear Big People…”.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day…a bad nose hair day.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

To your chagrin and horror, you will find yourself humming along with “muzac” in the grocery store. It’s the beginning of the long slow slide, I’m afraid. Next stop: collecting “nick knacks”.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you’ll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

It will turn out that someone you spend a great deal of time with is actually one of the last remaining Sinanthropus (Peking man), rather than an actual Cro-Magnon. This will explain things you’d been wondering about.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will have another nasty insect bite episode, I’m afraid. In this case, though, you will at least know what bit you. Hard to miss something that size.