the daily humorscopes for friday, september 23

 

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

As you are walking along, you will notice someone leaning back in a chair. You should stop and insist that they bring their seatback to a full upright and locked position until the captain has turned off a sign.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Excellent day to play the William Tell Overture really loud, and leap around flailing your arms. Try not to knock over the lamp.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Try not to attract attention today. This might be a good time to learn the art of disguise. Forget about camoflage suits, though – I tried wearing mine to the mall, and people could still see me, even when I crouched and remained very still.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Remember: it’s a pride of lions, a gaggle of geese, and a murder of crows. More important for you today, though: a group of budgies is a “bludgeoning.”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Noodle day, today! Have you tried some of those new “fresh” tomato-basil linguinies? Of course not. But today, you will!

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Good day to do crossword puzzles in the park. Life is short enough, without letting it get you all stressed out like that.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don’t even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that’s what you do, at parties.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You just need to start believing in yourself. Try getting other people to clap their hands, if they believe in you.