the daily humorscopes for monday, september 19th

 

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

A relative will be seriously injured today, when a man dressed as a huge shrimp abandons his post at the opening of a seafood restaurant, steals an experimental hovercraft, and crashes it into your relative’s motor vehicle. The worst part is, the insurance company will refuse to pay a cent.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Someone will dash up to you today, say “meep meep! bthpblthpblthp!”, and then dash off. At least now you’ll know how to spell it.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You are being followed by a quiet, rugged man wearing cowboy boots, jeans, a large silver belt-buckle, a faded plaid flannel shirt with the sleeves rolled up, and a Carmen Miranda hat. Perhaps you should hurry.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will find a renewed interest in home repair or remodelling soon. Oddly, that will occur shortly after a visit by your nephew.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Your neighbor thinks his dog is so smart, it’s starting to bug you. The thing to do is cover a book with a book cover that says “Quantum Physics for Dogs”, and train your dog to lay next to it, along a pad of paper covered with scribbled equations and a chewed-on pencil…

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you will suddenly realize how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbours? Chances are you don’t know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will be plagued by feelings of inadequacy, and will have a feeling of ennui mixed with malaise. But don’t let it get you down!

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can’t find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That’s one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Remember to put a disclaimer at the bottom of your report, to say that it doesn’t necessarily reflect the views of your management, or, for that matter, of any other carbon-based life form.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’ll find a penny when you are out for a walk. Surprisingly, it will be the key to a wonderful change in your life. The trick is just to figure out what you can do with a penny, these days.