the daily humorscopes for sunday, sept. 18th

 

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realise that it isn’t doing you any good to be jealous, so you’ll switch over to envy.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Don’t forget your towel, today. I usually find I’m less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don’t worry, though. That’s normal.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will go into business making those little sugar packets that restaurants use, and make a fortune. The restaurants will have to use fewer of yours than anyone else’s. Is it due to the pictures on the packets, of really fat people? Who knows.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You feel like you’re slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighbourhood Astral Travel Agency.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Another one of those excruciatingly boring meetings today. Try to liven things up by summoning one of the people back from the dead.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

E-coli. It’s what’s for dinner!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Don’t lose hope! Conditions like yours are painful and embarassing, but often clear up on their own.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Time to start looking for a new car. Try to find one with more personality, this time! (And less of a sense of humor.)

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will come up with an idea for cutting down on the customer service calls that your company gets. Unfortunately, there just aren’t enough people with Tourette Syndrome available for hire.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours “The Federation Starship Intrepid”. And always do that little two-finger wave and say “engage”, when you start off, of course.