the daily humorscopes for thursday, sept. 15th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Hug day, today. Various people you know will come up and give you a hug, for no apparent reason. You will find this moderatly embarrassing.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Someone you know will drone on and on about various tentacled sea creatures today. The best thing to do is to pretend you have one of those vibrating pagers in your pocket, and say “oh! that must be the call I’ve been waiting for”, and dash off.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you — no arias. The theme song from “The Beverly Hillbillies” will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along?

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Someone named Tyrone is about to sell you a vaccuum cleaner. There’s nothing much you can do about it, I’m afraid.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will be able to get out of doing an unpleasant task today, by pretending you are a chicken.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Excellent day to study gastroenterology, or possibly to go bowling.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Excellent day to fill some pantyhose with popcorn and do the reindeer dance.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Today is an especially bad day to try something new involving explosives. Try to keep a low profile.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote “Hey nonny, nonny”, in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Your children will return, but they’ll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you’ll discover how the switch was made.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Someone you don’t like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble “What?” while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Relationships are a lot like tables. One leg is love, one is trust, one is shared pleasures, and one is shared dreams. Lasting relationships need all four legs for balance, to hold up the burden of your troubles. In your case, though, you’ll never get rid of that irritating wobble.