the daily humorscopes for tuesday, july 12th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You’ll accidentally eat one of those fried szechuan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You’ll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he’s a “puka”, which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he’ll look like a large invisible rabbit.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will spend the day attempting to rest, but whenever you fall asleep you’ll return to the same nightmare of being transformed into a chihuahua, and will wake, screaming (in a very high-pitched, whiny, and annoying sort of way).

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will develop the extremely rare “Perkin’s Disease”, and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, “Jim”, into wrestling a giant anaconda.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will see an ancient symbol appearing in the whorls of your fingerprints. That, combined with the dreams of apocalypse may make you worry. I wouldn’t though — it’s just a vitamin B12 deficiency.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Everyone you work with will start spending a lot of time balancing things on their nose. This could be bad. You may have a renegade seal trainer lurking in your midst!

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Good day to put a few kumquats, some of those teensy little ears of corn, and a few Brussels sprouts in a tiny little bowl, and leave it on someone’s doorstep with a tiny little note reading “Dear Big People…”.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You feel like you’re slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighbourhood Astral Travel Agency.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will be offered a chance to go on a journey soon. It sounds like fun, but you might benefit by looking up La Isla Zancudo in a Spanish-English dictionary before you pack your bags…

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You’ve about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will find that it is true – everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

What is freedom? Is there a difference between an infinitely long leash, and no leash at all? You’ll discover the answer to that at work this week, when you get “the yank”.