the daily humorscopes for monday, july 11th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don’t, if you’re going to be stuffy. It’s your life.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you will find a note, folded into quarters, and torn from a steno pad. Surprisingly, it will refer to you. Even more surprisingly, it will refer to you as the object of adoration, someone whom the note’s author wishes to engage in “snuggle bunnies” with. Sadly, it will be impossible to determine who wrote it, and nothing will ever come of it.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Remember today: two wrongs don’t make a right. But three do.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Good day to learn ventriloquism. Lesson 1: making squishy sounds when people walk by, in time with their footsteps.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

While attending a séance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

While poring over some old historical documents, you will discover that the Norman invasion was actually supposed to be the “Bob” invasion, but Norman stole the credit for it. Sadly, it will turn out to be too late to change it now.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Excellent time to race one of those little Shriners cars up and down the sidewalk twenty thousand million times. Also, you’ll meet an angel, but don’t let on that you know who she really is.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

This week you will angrily tell someone that you are more than just a name and a number! You are also punctuation!

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I’m Ok, You’re A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having “defined” the current decade.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things “taste like chicken.” It’s because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

A person wearing a bandana on his head and brandishing a cutlass will dash by you today, saying something that sounds a bit like “Arrrr”.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

This week you will feel like corn. Just not like having any.