the daily humorscope

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

If you’ve been wanting to become a religious leader, today is the day to get cracking on it. Otherwise, probably an uneventful day.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You’ve heard that when economists use the word “nice”, they’re actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is “like, totally kewl.”

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Beware of bubonic plague today. Other than that, things will be fairly normal.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will be granted a religious experience of startling significance, similar in some respects to the accounts of statues of the Virgin Mary weeping. In this case, however, she will sneeze.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Excellent time to do some personal reengineering. I mean, face it – your mother simply wasn’t much of an engineer…

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: “Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies.”

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Nobody will notice your new haircut, which you will find intensely irritating. It’s not as if you always had an iridescent green mohawk, you know?

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Good day to bring an asparagus sandwich and a nice thermos of Cream-of-Meatloaf Soup for lunch.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Beware of strangers bearing Cheez Whiz.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will finally get the television exposure you’ve been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying “Down With Gravity!”.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

As a joke, you will send off a resume for your dog to a company which wants to hire an extrusion manager. Surprisingly, he will not only get the job, but will earn more than you.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.