Spells Guaranteed to Work
Ancient Spell to Kill a BeastGet a spear. Aim the spear. Throw the spear. Repeat until the beast is dead.
Spell to Make MoneyPut on some tight attractive clothing. Go to a busy street corner. Dance as well as you can for passing cars and pedestrians.
Spell to Get MeaslesFind someone who has measles. Lick them.
Spell to Turn Day Into NightStand facing a large tree or wall. Close eyes tightly. Keeping eyes closed, run straight ahead as fast as you can.
Spell to Turn Night Into DayLay down when it is nighttime. Close your eyes. Wait 8 hours. Open your eyes.
Spell to Breathe Under-WaterAttach concrete block to your feet. Jump into water. Breathe normally and sing the tune to “Flipper”. Takes about 5 minutes for lungs to adjust.
Spell to Commune With Pink ElephantsPour glass of vodka or alcoholic drink of choice. Drink. Repeat steps 1-2.
Spell to Attract LightningCover yourself in metal: jewelry, chains, golf clubs, nails, nuts & bolts, hubcaps, etc. Go out into a thunderstorm and hold a long TV antenna high in the air. Wait.
Spell to Stop a Runny NoseGet two cotton balls. Shove one up each nostril. Tape them there.
Spell to Make a Person Fall In Love With YouCall person at least thirty times a day. Park outside their house and shut your headlights off. Leave sweet tokens on doorstep (i.e., roses without petals, a nice headless Barbie doll, etc.). Follow them everywhere they go… careful, they’ll try to lose you! Don’t worry if they get that silly restraining order, that means the spell is working!
Spell to Make a Person Fall Out of Love With YouForget getting a restraining order. Get a gun or other weapon of choice. Wound or maim person with weapon. Throw person in an area with lots of wild carnivores Wait.
Spell to Make Your Computer FastOpen a window. Defenestrate the computer. If the computer hits the ground really fast, the spell worked.
Alternate Spell to Make Your Computer FastTurn on your computer Deny it food.
Spell to Save on GasCut holes in floorboards of car. Remove shoes. While still seated, pedal feet really, really fast. Scream “Yabba Dabba Do!” (Optional) Invite passengers to join in the fun!
Spell to Go to the BathroomDrink so much water that you think you will burst. Drink another glass anyway. Wait ten minutes, then guzzle a can of soda. Repeat step 3 as often as desired to increase the spell’s effect.
Alternate Spell to Go to the BathroomEat a bushel of prunes. Take a dose of ExLax. Wait.
Spell to Make Something DisappearOpen a window Grab the object you want to make disappear. Defenestrate the object. Close the window.
Spell to Make Yourself FlyOpen a window Defenestrate yourself. Flap your arms vigorously and repeatedly say “I’m flying!” If you don’t hit the ground, the spell worked.
Spell to Get a New CarGet off the computer. Go to a car dealership. Chose a care. Take a test drive. Repeat until a satisfactory choice is made. Make arrangements to trade in your old car for the new one chosen. Drive home and wait. When the new car arrives, go back to the dealer. Drive home.
Spell to Go Through A WallGet a sledgehammer. Hit a wall continuously until a large enough hole appears. Go through the hole.
Spell to Change Your Eye ColorVisit ophthalmologist. Get prescription for contact lenses. Fill prescription with colored contact lenses. Put in colored contact lenses.