Tag: LIBRA

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, june 15

the daily humorscope

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will be overcome by a desire to learn a new skill, probably knitting. Resist it. You will read something about power tools, in a magazine with a blue cover, which will change your life.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will make several somewhat inadviseable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel “100 Years Of SPAM!” decorative wallclock.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
A person wearing a frilly pink tutu will appear, uninvited, at your next potluck event. He will become quite ornery, when you ask him to leave.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You will have a trifle too much punch at a party this week, and will amuse the other guests by flopping around on the floor an making “Ark! Ark!” sounds. But who cares? If they want to be stuffy, let ’em, I say.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organization today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you’ll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you’re part of a big “family.” Or at least, that’s what you’ll say.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
While attending a sance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a “ping” sound rather than a “pop”. That’s a bad habit, anyway.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Thirteen short bearded men will invade your living quarters soon, eat all your food, and drag you off on an ill-advised adventure, much to the amusement of an elderly gentleman of your acquaintance.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You will discover a new “5th law” of Thermodynamics. The first law says “you can’t win”. The second law says “you can’t break even”. The 5th law, however, says “never draw to an inside straight”.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that’s not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to “The Mongol Horde”, you might take notice.

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, june 14

the daily humorscope

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Your feet will continue to trouble you today, although you won’t be quite able to put your finger on what’s wrong. You haven’t been that flexible in years.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Once you’re that far behind, there’s really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will go on a potato binge today. Baked, fried, scalloped, stuffed, mashed, whipped, and hash-browned. Just stay away from the tater tots, for your own good.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to make a face like a rodent, and hold your paws up in front of your chest. When someone asks what you are doing, chitter at them and scurry away.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will get very dirty. Actually, though, it will be rather fun.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Good day for political intrigue and underhanded sneakiness. Try to wear something appropriate to the occasion.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
At the same moment you read this, someone will be thinking about you and smiling. In a moment, they’ll be laughing outright.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will finally get the television exposure you’ve been wanting, by organizing a group of protesters to block the entrance to a physics lab, holding crudely-lettered signs saying “Down With Gravity!.”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will be misidentified, on national TV, as a renowned ichthyologist. Several people will call you, long distance, to ask about the mating habits of Tilapia.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
If you’re not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial “E.” will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
The currency crisis in Russia will continue to trouble you. The next time you have a dream in which you are told by your old Uncle Max to invest all your money in a canned borsht factory in Leningrad, you might stop to consider the alternatives. I hear that mutual funds can be nice, for example.

the daily humorscopes for monday, june 13

the daily humorscope

Monday, June 13, 2011

 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Time for an excursion! Remember to pack some sandwiches, and carry a large ball of twine (it’s easy to get lost in the city — the twine should help).
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You have exactly as much chance of having a decent day as you have of developing amazing telekinetic abilities that let you secretly give innocent passers-by a wedgie. Stay home. Breathe normally.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good time to go into business making measuring spoons. Good ones to start with would be a “smidgeon” and a “pinch.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will read a small booklet titled How To Make A Fortune in Frog Farming, which will change your life.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Beware of rodents.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Time to throw down the gauntlet. Or, if you can’t find a gauntlet, a ski mitten will do. Just make sure you throw it down. (That’s one heck of a lot more fun than throwing it up.)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said “The geek shall inherit the earth”, but was just misquoted? Then you’ll think of Bill Gates. Then you’ll start to worry.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good time to consider capitalizing on the wave of 70’s nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
It’s time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.

New Moon Report For June 12 – Saturn Direct

Saturn Direct

Sunday, June 12

The forward shift of crystallizing Saturn allows positions to harden and provide solid foundations for future growth. Tackling big projects that have been difficult to grasp grows easier when matched with commitment to a well-defined plan. Facing reality in relationships is appropriate with this serious planet in Libra, the sign of partnerships. Recognizing that there are at least two sides to any situation can ensure fairness, facilitate negotiations and encourage compromise.

the daily humorscopes for friday, june 10

the daily humorscope

Friday, June 10, 2011

 
 
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will have an enormously exciting day, today, compared to your usual day. You will find the prize in the cereal box.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Excellent day to pretend to have various infirmities. Pretending to have a hunchback is my personal favorite, and is often favorably combined with a drooling problem.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will be “mooned” by a cat. Fortunately, you won’t notice.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Nothing unusual today. Unless you count that episode with the iguana…
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Excellent day for unfettered optimism. Tomorrow: fettered optimism.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven’t got any. Or whatever – remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Money will come from an unexpected source. If you put it in a mesh bag and run it throught the washer, you’ll get most of the smell out.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely wacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Today you will find yourself boldly charging through life. That can actually get you in trouble, though, so you should really attempt to pay with cash.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Twelve freshly cut rods (made from ash) will be found in a peculiar pattern on the lawn. Two large black crows will watch you solemnly from the top of a parked VW Microbus. The weather will turn colder, and the air, although clear, will seem grey. Don’t worry, though, it’s probably nothing.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You should learn something from your cat — no matter what you’ve done wrong, you can always try to make it look like the dog did it.

the daily humorscopes for thursday, june 9

the daily humorscope 

Thursday, June 09, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
A man with a large machine will enter your house, and make you totally miserable.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Ooh! Oh. I should have warned you. I’m sorry.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today, everyone around you will make you severely annoyed. The important thing is to remember that, in the long run, they’re all dead.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Someone will ask you how you are, today, for the millionth time, and you know they actually couldn’t care less. I’ve found that the best reply in this case is usually “Did you know that there’s a spider on your neck?”
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
An elderly Chinese gentleman will drop by for a visit. You’ll spend the entire visit in complete silence, except for the occasional clink of a teacup in a saucer.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will write some office email soon that positively sparkles with comic irony. You’ll be asked to knock it off.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Nothing especially remarkable will happen today. You will get a strange urge to talk like Ziggy Marley, but it will pass.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the dry kind.)
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Someone nearby will read something out loud to you soon, which you might consider fairly obvious – such as “Blows to the head are a common cause of brain damage”. The best reply to this is “Huh?”
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Following up on your accidental observation of the “sock dimension” (remember that sock you saw re-materializing a while back?), you will invent a machine to let you cross over the dimensional barrier. Sadly, you’ll be one dimension off, and will pop into the lost pen & pencil dimension, where you will be severely poked.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You’ve been secretly considering joining a support group for people with your affliction. That is a good idea, but you’ll never do it if you don’t work up to it gradually. A good place to start might be to subscribe to a magazine on the topic, such as “Nose Bleeders Quarterly” or “The Nose Troubles Times”.

the daily humorscopes for wednesday, june 8

the daily humorscope 

 

Wednesday, June 08, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Go find something flat, and scribble on it. People have been doing that for tens of thousands of years, and it’s mostly been ok.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it’s good to worry your neighbors a bit — keeps them civil.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
No news is not good news, today. In fact, no news is at best mediocre news.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today will mark the first time you’ve ever actually “wrestled” a largish reptile. Although an unexpected experience, you will find it strangely stimulating, and may decide to pursue it as a career.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Your obsession with Lapsang Souchong tea takes a turn for the worse, today, as you begin secretly soaking your undergarments in it. Professional help is indicated.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You still have way too much to do. You always have too much to do. If you were any more behind, you would be able to kick yourself. Ever try saying “no”? Sheesh.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Someone will ask you for your advice. Don’t give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter “Much bad juju”, and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say “bad bush!” in a loud stern tone.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will notice an odd stone “egg” in an antique shop. Don’t bring it home. They’re very hungry right after they hatch.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
It was a simple mistake, which anyone could have made. What’s more, now you know better. I think, though, that the expression is too widespread for you to actually get it changed to “never look a gift horse in either end”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
A creature from the 7th dimension will become attached to your leg, and will be impossible to remove. Eventually, you’ll simply get used to it.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Good time to get involved in the Fiber Arts. Why not see what you can do with Metamucil?

the daily humorscopes for tuesday, june 7

the daily humorscope 

 

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Good day to learn a new trick for dealing with people who come by your home to try to sell you something. Open the door v..e..r..y slowly, and squint at them. Then resume sharpening a large kitchen knife, while they are talking at you.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will spend the day discussing whether the main problems in the world are due to ignorance or apathy. Personally, I don’t know and I don’t care.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Today you will discover an astounding new use for celery, and it will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I’d put your duck on a diet.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Oh go ahead. You know you want to. Besides, nobody is watching.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
You will begin an evil project, in secret. You will be successful. Although why you want to produce a cross between a St. Bernard and a chihuahua is anybody’s guess.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You’ve been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to bring home an insectivore as a pet.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I’d put your duck on a diet.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Excellent time to take up weasel ranching. Or at least to claim that’s what you do, at parties.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will mosey, this week. There’s nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it’s occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.

Your Daily Horoscopes for June 6

We can find a workable balance today between the lightheartedness of the Gemini Sun and the heaviness of Saturn in relationship-oriented Libra. Fortunately, the expressive Leo Moon mediates the day as she forms collaborative sextiles with both Saturn and the Sun. Although we’re confident, we still need to be cognizant of our limits because of an exuberant Sun-Jupiter semisquare. There is power in having a positive attitude if we don’t go too far.

 

Aries Horoscope
Aries Horoscope (Mar 21 – Apr 19)

You may not get caught up with your work as fast as you wish today, for your mind is preoccupied with pleasure rather than production. It’s a smart idea to get the distractions out of your system now, for you have too much to do and won’t be able to procrastinate forever. Nevertheless, returning to your unfulfilled obligations with a smile on your face will help you accomplish more in the long run.

 

 

Taurus Horoscope
Taurus Horoscope (Apr 20 – May 20)

You have an opportunity today to finish up lots of little tasks at work and at home, including emailing friends, paying bills and cleaning your office. However, don’t be too concerned if you don’t make measurable progress by the end of the day, for it may take a while to get ahead. Nevertheless, your optimism now can motivate you to reach your goals as long as you don’t try to do everything all at once.

 

 

Gemini Horoscope
Gemini Horoscope (May 21 – Jun 20)

You may be holding on to negative feelings about an unfinished conversation yesterday, but you would be wise to let go and move on. You have other fish to fry now and it’s more important to look forward than waste time replaying an interaction that didn’t go as smoothly as expected. Planning for new successes throughout the coming week is much more useful than worrying about the past.

 

 

Cancer Horoscope
Cancer Horoscope (June 21 – Jul 22)

It’s dangerous to make assumptions or jump to conclusions today because once you make up your mind, you’re pretty certain that you are correct. Unfortunately, you could be a victim now of believing your own hype. The good news is that your current breadth of vision can fuel amazing discussions on a variety of interesting topics. As fascinating as your conversations might be, specific things that remain unsaid may be even more important than what is stated out loud.

 

 

Leo Horoscope
Leo Horoscope (Jul 23 – Aug 22)

You may find it challenging today to handle the consequences of your anger that seems to resurface from time to time, even if you already dealt with the original source of the problem. Thankfully, you can lean on your friends for support now, which may be enough to help you over a rough spot. But don’t ask anyone to fix anything; instead, take responsibility by learning from your past mistakes and being flexible enough to adapt to the changing tides.

 

 

Virgo Horoscope
Virgo Horoscope (Aug 23 – Sep 22)

It’s hard for you to relax today because you have so much to do at work. Although you’re buzzing all over the place with the Sun and Mercury in your professional 10th house, you probably wish you had a few more days to your weekend because you need more time to think. Nevertheless, your time for contemplation may be over for a while. Just enter the flow of activity and figure it out along the way.

 

Libra Horoscope
Libra Horoscope (Sep 23 – Oct 22)

It’s often challenging for you to make a long-term decision about your plans, especially when there are so many amazing choices. But don’t let anyone tell you that you need to decide today, for you would be smarter to keep your options open. There is currently a lot of blue sky around you, making everything appear better than it is. Wait until a few clouds return and see where the shadows are cast before going on record with your final answer.

 

 

Scorpio Horoscope
Scorpio Horoscope (Oct 23 – Nov 21)

Your anger may develop throughout the day if anyone is trying to talk you out of your actual feelings. Uncharacteristically, you might be willing to change your mind today, but only on your own terms. If others don’t take the time to find out how you truly feel, then you’re probably not going to compromise. However, if they are really interested in your perspective, you can be more open-minded now than they expect.

 

 

Sagittarius Horoscope
Sagittarius Horoscope (Nov 22 – Dec 21)

Establishing your priorities can be a real challenge, especially since you don’t want to make important decisions today. It’s not that you should let go of your objectives; it’s just that you have a lot to gain now by following an intelligent friend or partner for a while. Don’t worry about a missed opportunity because a new situation for advancement at your current job is likely. Paradoxically, easing off on your grip can actually solidify your position and increase the possibility of doing something special.

 

 

Capricorn Horoscope
Capricorn Horoscope (Dec 22 – Jan 19)

Don’t be afraid to ask for help navigating through unfamiliar territory today. It’s hard to make sense of it all because there could be one too many options, leaving you overwhelmed and exhausted from trying to figure it all out. Your stress multiplies if you believe that your decision must be final now. Rest assured that you will still be able to change your mind later without much difficulty at all.

 

 

Aquarius Horoscope
Aquarius Horoscope (Jan 20 – Feb 18)

Instead of booking your day too rigidly, try giving yourself the flexibility you need. One way to accomplish this is to leave large blocks of time completely unstructured for you to do as you please. It may also help to examine your motives for keeping so busy. Remember, you don’t have to put lots of activities on your schedule now in order to be considered a success.

 

 

Pisces Horoscope
Pisces Horoscope (Feb 19 – Mar 20)

Talking about your feelings can help to dissipate negativity, but you could easily go overboard now and pretend that everything is fine. You must be careful not to whitewash the truth just because it’s not pretty. Don’t worry about other people’s reactions to your opinion; instead, concentrate on the usefulness and accuracy of your message. Avoid the temptation to share your personal information as a way to get your friends and workmates to take notice.

the daily humorscopes for monday, june 6

the daily humorscope 

 

Monday, June 06, 2011

 
     Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to burst into song. Nothing too fancy, mind you — no arias. The theme song from “The Beverly Hillbillies” will do nicely. Why not see how many people you can get to sing along?
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will attempt to capitalize on the success of SPAM by inventing SPEEF. Unfortunately, you would have been much better off trying to make SPICKEN, instead.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of giant squids today. Other than that, a good day for a nice walk along the beach.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
You are developing a strangely magnetic personality. Soon people you don’t even know will begin hanging around with you, hoping for some small sign of your attention. Also, iron filings will begin sticking to the tip of your nose.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
About your new idea… Sure, I’ll bet you could sell your handmade voodoo dolls by marketing them over the Internet. The competition, however, can be “fierce.” You might want to stop and consider how many flights of stairs you’re interested in falling down, before you commit yourself to that course of action…
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Today you will discover that you are capable of “channelling”, when you start spouting ancient sumerian curses at a short little dweeb who cuts you off in traffic. You will start taking notes in cuneiform.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will join a team, and have lots of fun. I’m not sure what sport it is, but the team name will be “The Screaming Weasels.”
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
An odd smell, probably like that of chocolate milk drying on a linoleum floor, will bring back a flood of childhood memories. You will remember your locker combination from seventh grade, for example. Ironically, this will happen during a boring yet important meeting, and you will disgrace yourself by calling someone “booger-face”.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Beware of Doug.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You will get the peculiar urge to go outside and roll around in something yicky. Also, you’ll notice your ears are getting hairy.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Remember: you can’t tell your boss to get lost. You can, however, give him the wrong directions.

Air

Air
Elementals: Sylphs
Elemental Ruler: Paralda
Direction: East
Color: Yellow
Season: Spring
Time of day: Dawn
Symbols: Feather, Incense, Wand, Oils
Some things associated with the element of Air: Memory, Thoughts, New beginnings, Finding Lost items, truth, justice, logic, intellect
Some Herbs Associated with the element of Air: clover, lavender mistletoe, meadowsweet, sage
Type of energy: Masculine
Wind: East wind
Zodiac signs ruled by Air: Libra, Gemini, Aquarius
Power of magus: Nocere, To Know

Symbols and Association of Air

Symbols and Association of Air
 
Air has the qualities of coolness and dryness and association with breath, life and communication. In astrology, Air rules the Zodiac signs Aquarius, Gemini and Libra. People born under the Air signs think, communicate, analyze, and theorize. They love freedom, truth and justice, and have the ability to change circumstances with amazing speed. As thinkers, they rely on rationality rather than on intuition or emotions. Their philosophical approach to any situation allows them to endure hardships. Air signs can tolerate almost any circumstances, as long as there is a rational explanation for it. They have great leadership capabilities, with a reputation of being fair. Interested in almost everything, they are lifelong students.
 
The Element of Air becomes a negative one when Air folks require family and friends to uphold the same standards they live by. Air people cannot understand why everyone does not think and act as they do. When they make a mistake they tend to rationalize instead of using the situation as a learning experience. They are devoted to abstract ideas and have difficulty making decision, making them sometimes exasperating to work with. In addition, they tend to procrastinate.

the daily humorscopes for may 10

 

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will develop a type of rubber overshoe that looks like dinosaur’s feet. They will become wildly popular, after your appearance on the Letterman show.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
A very pale young woman weilding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you’d like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you’d forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Today you will become a digger. Dig, dig, dig. That’s all you’ll think of, for months. You will discover an amazingly large diamond, about 27 feet down, and will be fabulously rich after that. Not that you’ll give me any credit, of course. Ingrate!
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
You will hear a strange “clicking” sound today, as you are walking through the kitchen. Time to trim the toenails, don’t you think?
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Continue hiding.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
While attending a seance “just for fun”, you will be possessed by the spirit of Rasputin. Surprisingly, it will be a good career move.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscenti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours “The Federation Starship Intrepid”. And always do that little two-finger wave and say “engage”, when you start off, of course.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Time heals all wounds, yes. But that’s not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It’s a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You feel like you’re slowly being crushed at work, in a mental and spiritual sense. Perhaps travel would refresh you? For spiritually beneficial travel, I usually consult my neighborhood Astral Travel Agency.

the daily humorscopes for Monday, May 9

The Planets Now for May 3

 

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Position of the planets based on Greenwich Mean Time (GMT).
 
Sun:
13° 04′
in Taurus
 Moon:
19° 22′
in Taurus
 Mercury:
17° 04′
in Aries
 Venus:
15° 22′
in Aries
 Mars:
24° 23′
in Aries
Jupiter:
22° 54′
in Aries
 Saturn:
11° 41′
in Libra
 Uranus:
02° 56′
in Aries
 Neptune:
00° 53′
in Pisces
 Pluto:
07° 04′
in Capricorn
Aspects:
Conjunction: Mars Jupiter 1º
Conjunction: Mercury Jupiter 5º
Conjunction: Mercury Mars 7º
Conjunction: Mercury Venus 1º
Conjunction: Sun Moon 6º
Conjunction: Venus Jupiter 7º
Opposition: Mercury Saturn 5º		 Opposition: Venus Saturn 3º
Quincunx: Sun Saturn 1º
Semi-Sextile: Moon Mercury 2º
Semi-Sextile: Sun Venus 2º
Semi-Sextile: Uranus Neptune 2º
Square: Saturn Pluto 4º
Square: Uranus Pluto 4º
Trine: Sun Pluto 6º
The Sun in Taurus
Tradition, stability and loyalty are strong influences as the Sun travels through Taurus. Generally, taking a practical approach to life is favored at this time. It is likely risks should be avoided at this time. Substantial financial gain can be made while the Sun is in Taurus. This is also a good time to enjoy the good things in life as long as indulgences are not allowed to become excessive. Making headway towards reaching goals could be challenged by a general stubbornness and resistance to change.

Sun Conjunct Moon
Being true to one’s self will provide needed answers. Solitude and introspection may prove to be beneficial.

Sun Sextile or Trine Pluto
A “head on” approach to life is favored at this time.
Moon In Taurus
This is a period in which an easy going attitude and moving through life at a steady pace is favored. The need for physical pleasure may be high at this time. If possible conflict should be avoided. Unyielding stubbornness can lead to missing some great opportunities.

 
Mercury In Aries
Mercury in Aries is an influence that does not favor diplomacy. Many will be far more outspoken than usual. Dissension will be prevalent. Traditional approaches to handling challenges are likely to be replaced by new, more affective strategies. The need to be on the cutting edge of things will be strong.

Mercury Conjunct Venus
Many will find themselves easily moved by the arts. Their creative side is likely to be higher as well.

Mercury Conjunct Mars
Debates and analytical thinking are likely. The candid words of some may be so frank that they may be seen as offensive to those on the receiving end.

Mercury Conjunct Jupiter
Seeking the “essence” of things may become a preoccupation. The need and ability to share ideas is strong.

Mercury Opposition or Square Saturn
This aspect provides a favorable window for tackling complex intellectual problems.
Venus In Aries
Emotions may be high. The need for love is heightened, as well as the need to fulfill needs of loved ones. Physical desires and sensuality are likely to be very strong.

Venus Conjunct Jupiter
Avoid getting caught up in trite issues. Optimism towards the future is a powerful tool that can ensure success. Some will seem far more attractive than usual.

Venus Opposition or Square Saturn
This aspect tends to add a serious tone to life. Pursuing practical goals is favored. Some may feel a little less deserving than they usually do.
Mars In Aries
Action is the keyword at this time. Those who act quickly and decisively should be favored. Self-sufficiency and the ability to act alone are valuable assets. Many will do well by focusing on short term goals.

Mars Conjunct Jupiter
Success in all arenas is possible. Energy levels and optimism should be relatively high.
Jupiter In Aries
Self-reliance and optimism are favored at this time. Those who enjoy challenges and competition are favored. Adopting a never surrender attitude is a key component to attaining success.

 
Saturn In Libra
Intimacy may be more of a chore than a pleasure. Some will find their progress towards strengthening intimate bonds and attaining goals muted by feelings of inadequacy.

Saturn Opposition or Square Pluto
This aspect may make it difficult to commit one’s self to anything beyond the moment at hand. However, those who do take on new goals will put the full force of their nature into achieving them.
Uranus In Aries
The astrological influence of Uranus is measured in increments of 7 years. What this means is that the effects of Uranus influence an entire generation. Day to day the Uranian influence may be imperceptible, but when the period is viewed as a whole the impact of Uranus is likely to be strikingly apparent.

Iconoclasm, independence and self-sufficiency are likely to be major themes during this period. Traditional values will be challenged. Those with a pioneering spirit will flourish.

Uranus Square Pluto
A mental restlessness and the need for complete personal freedom are possible influences of this aspect. In some the need for total autonomy may be so strong that they will challenge any attempt to subdue their independence.
Neptune In Pisces
Because Neptune takes approximately 14 years to move across Pisces its day to day influence may be imperceptible, but when the period is viewed as a whole the impact of Neptune in Pisces is likely to be strikingly apparent.

Gentleness, creativity, and the pursuit of spiritual truth are strong influences at this time. Many may find mysticism and unorthodox religions very attractive.

 
Pluto In Capricorn
Because Pluto takes approximately 15 years to move across Capricorn its day to day influence may be imperceptible, but when the period is viewed as a whole the impact of Pluto in Capricorn is likely to be strikingly apparent.

Strong economic gains can be made during this period. Pluto in Capricorn favors those who are able to make logical decisions and devise pragmatic solutions to the challenges before them.

the daily humorscope

 

Thursday, April 28, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will call someone today, who will insist on calling you “Sven.” Humor them — act impressed.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
You will find an alien artifact behind the cushion in the sofa. Point the pointy end away from you, if you push the little bumpy thing. Personally, I’d just leave it alone.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Beware of cats, today. (Particularly black and white cats who sit next to you and pretend to be innocent. Those are the worst kind.)
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Inspiration will strike you, and leave you for dead. The police will do nothing.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Today you’ll go buy a white jacket, and start working towards your dream: the resurgence of Disco! And you’ll be successful, too! Yes, over the course of your life, you’ll get literally several people interested.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
If you aren’t careful, you may accidentally insult someone by a poor choice of words, and hurt their feelings. In particular, the expression “hideously deformed” may not be as neutral as you believe.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
You will be “on the move”, soon. Especially movements of a gastrointestinal nature, as it turns out. Good day to stay close to home.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Your friend will betray you today, and will hide from you under office furniture. Hey, don’t ask me. I just see the future, I don’t explain it.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today you shall laugh your bitter laugh. You’ll also sneeze your bitter sneeze.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Your children will return, but they’ll be unnaturally quiet and good-natured. Eventually, you’ll discover how the switch was made.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called “Rainy Daze”. You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn’t care for “Clenched Buttocks” as a band name.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things “taste like chicken”. It’s because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.

the daily humorscopes for april 27

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Good day to buy a stereo microscope, and examine that stuff under your toenail. Well, as good a day as any.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will stumble across conclusive proof that cilantro is actually the main ingredient in detergents and soaps, and that its culinary use started as a joke — it’s just that most people are too shy to admit that they’d rather spray Lysol on their burrito than put cilantro on it.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
That rash should clear up soon, Bob. Oh stop worrying. I won’t tell anyone.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Try to avoid calling anyone a “vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert”, today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I’ve discovered.)
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as “port” and “starboard.”
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Remember today: two wrongs don’t make a right. But three do.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a “spaz attack”, which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Life will deal you an interesting hand soon. Which is OK, although an interesting foot would have been better.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do”. (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Due to forces beyond comprehension, you will begin talking with a Texas accent. Eventually, you’ll come out with audio tapes to teach this to others, which you will call “Bubba-Bonics”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Don’t you owe someone a thank-you note? If not, send one anyway — that’s always fun.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they’ve been saying about that for thousands of years, don’t you? “Happy Good! Me Like Happy!”

The Planets Now for April 22

Position of the planets based on Greenwich Mean Time (GMT).
 
Sun:
02° 21′
in Taurus
 Moon:
05° 19′
in Capricorn
 Mercury:
12° 54′
in Aries
 Venus:
02° 01′
in Aries
 Mars:
15° 59′
in Aries
Jupiter:
20° 18′
in Aries
 Saturn:
12° 24′
in Libra
 Uranus:
02° 24′
in Aries
 Neptune:
00° 40′
in Pisces
 Pluto:
07° 10′
in Capricorn
Aspects:
Conjunction: Mars Jupiter 4º
Conjunction: Mercury Jupiter 7º
Conjunction: Mercury Mars 3º
Conjunction: Moon Pluto 1º
Conjunction: Venus Uranus 0º
Opposition: Jupiter Saturn 7º
Opposition: Mars Saturn 3º
Opposition: Mercury Saturn 0º
Semi-Sextile: Sun Uranus 0º
Semi-Sextile: Sun Venus 0º
Semi-Sextile: Uranus Neptune 1º		 Semi-Sextile: Venus Neptune 1º
Sextile: Moon Neptune 4º
Sextile: Sun Neptune 1º
Square: Mercury Pluto 5º
Square: Moon Uranus 2º
Square: Moon Venus 3º
Square: Saturn Pluto 5º
Square: Uranus Pluto 4º
Square: Venus Pluto 5º
Trine: Sun Moon 2º
Trine: Sun Pluto 4º
The Sun in Taurus
Tradition, stability and loyalty are strong influences as the Sun travels through Taurus. Generally, taking a practical approach to life is favored at this time. It is likely risks should be avoided at this time. Substantial financial gain can be made while the Sun is in Taurus. This is also a good time to enjoy the good things in life as long as indulgences are not allowed to become excessive. Making headway towards reaching goals could be challenged by a general stubbornness and resistance to change.

Sun Sextile or Trine Moon
Keeping a healthy balance between autonomy and the need for personal relationships is very important at this time. The degree of one’s success may be significantly increased by maintaining healthy relationships with family members and friends.

Sun Sextile or Trine Neptune
Artistic pursuits and mysticism may be very attractive at this time.

Sun Sextile or Trine Pluto
A “head on” approach to life is favored at this time.
Moon In Capricorn
Autonomy is favored in this period. Many will actually view their emotional needs as weaknesses and may neglect them.

Moon Opposition or Square Venus
Passions may run high during this aspect. Many are likely to desire deeper emotional relationships, but have difficulty defining the form they would like these powerful emotional bonds to take.

Moon Opposition or Square Uranus
The need for adventure and risk is likely to be heightened during this aspect. Many will be so influenced by the powers of this aspect that taking on new challenges may become a short term addiction.

Moon Sextile or Trine Neptune
Avoiding chaotic situations is critical to maintaining a healthy balance and moving forward towards one’s goals.

Moon Conjunct Pluto
Usually hidden, fiery passions may scream to be released upon the world.
Mercury In Aries
Mercury in Aries is an influence that does not favor diplomacy. Many will be far more outspoken than usual. Dissension will be prevalent. Traditional approaches to handling challenges are likely to be replaced by new, more affective strategies. The need to be on the cutting edge of things will be strong.

Mercury Conjunct Mars
Debates and analytical thinking are likely. The candid words of some may be so frank that they may be seen as offensive to those on the receiving end.

Mercury Conjunct Jupiter
Seeking the “essence” of things may become a preoccupation. The need and ability to share ideas is strong.

Mercury Opposition or Square Saturn
This aspect provides a favorable window for tackling complex intellectual problems.

Mercury Opposition or Square Pluto
This aspect will influence many to look beyond the obvious to explore the inner-workings of everything. Exploring life’s mysteries will be an irresistible adventure for some.
Venus In Aries
Emotions may be high. The need for love is heightened, as well as the need to fulfill needs of loved ones. Physical desires and sensuality are likely to be very strong.

Venus Conjunct Uranus
The need for personal freedom will be very acute in many, and may cause strain in their personal and professional relationships.

Venus Opposition or Square Pluto
This aspect can bring one’s passions to a boil. The need for both physical and spiritual love may seem almost insatiable in some. In some cases passions may erupt into jealousy, as some will feel the need to be in control of every facet of their relationship to feel secure.
Mars In Aries
Action is the keyword at this time. Those who act quickly and decisively should be favored. Self-sufficiency and the ability to act alone are valuable assets. Many will do well by focusing on short term goals.

Mars Conjunct Jupiter
Success in all arenas is possible. Energy levels and optimism should be relatively high.

Mars Opposition or Square Saturn
This aspect favors launching projects and starting relationships that one intends to commit to for the long term. Substantial progress in ongoing projects is likely as well.
Jupiter In Aries
Self-reliance and optimism are favored at this time. Those who enjoy challenges and competition are favored. Adopting a never surrender attitude is a key component to attaining success.

Jupiter Opposition or Square Saturn
This aspect tends to muddle the distinction between what is real and what one wishes to be real. Setbacks can be experienced due to this nebulous vision of reality.
Saturn In Libra
Intimacy may be more of a chore than a pleasure. Some will find their progress towards strengthening intimate bonds and attaining goals muted by feelings of inadequacy.

Saturn Opposition or Square Pluto
This aspect may make it difficult to commit one’s self to anything beyond the moment at hand. However, those who do take on new goals will put the full force of their nature into achieving them.
Uranus In Aries
The astrological influence of Uranus is measured in increments of 7 years. What this means is that the effects of Uranus influence an entire generation. Day to day the Uranian influence may be imperceptible, but when the period is viewed as a whole the impact of Uranus is likely to be strikingly apparent.

Iconoclasm, independence and self-sufficiency are likely to be major themes during this period. Traditional values will be challenged. Those with a pioneering spirit will flourish.

Uranus Square Pluto
A mental restlessness and the need for complete personal freedom are possible influences of this aspect. In some the need for total autonomy may be so strong that they will challenge any attempt to subdue their independence.
Neptune In Pisces
Because Neptune takes approximately 14 years to move across Pisces its day to day influence may be imperceptible, but when the period is viewed as a whole the impact of Neptune in Pisces is likely to be strikingly apparent.

Gentleness, creativity, and the pursuit of spiritual truth are strong influences at this time. Many may find mysticism and unorthodox religions very attractive.

 
Pluto In Capricorn
Because Pluto takes approximately 15 years to move across Capricorn its day to day influence may be imperceptible, but when the period is viewed as a whole the impact of Pluto in Capricorn is likely to be strikingly apparent.

Strong economic gains can be made during this period. Pluto in Capricorn favors those who are able to make logical decisions and devise pragmatic solutions to the challenges before them.

the daily humorscopes for april 22

 

Friday, April 22, 2011

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Oddly, despite the impression you gained from a television commercial, your new soap will not inspire unusual levels of grinning in the shower.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an “off” batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it?
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
People will stare at you today. Unknown to you, you are starting to look more and more like a large frog. A career in basketball may be in your future.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
This will be a very happy week for you. And you know what they’ve been saying about that for thousands of years, don’t you? “Happy Good! Me Like Happy!”
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Today you will suddenly realize how sensuous pudding can be. This will mark a turning point in your life.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Today you’ll become incensed at the thought that you missed out on all the fun during the 60’s and 70’s, and will change your name to “Sunflower” in protest.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Good day to go around “nudging” people.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it’s more of a smirk.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
It’s ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
You will be pestered by a small fluffy animal today. Don’t be taken in by appearances — it’s actually a mutant from outer space.

the daily humorscopes for april 21st