Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will have a completely boring, uneventful day. Then you’ll go home, eat the same thing you always eat, watch a re-run, and go to bed. Then you’ll be abducted by aliens, who will tease you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Excellent day to make odd hand gestures at people you don’t know.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Stay well clear of anti-tachyon beams, today.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

While looking through comparative salary figures, who will discover that the job of “Villiage Idiot”, in many metropolitan areas, pays better than that of the mayor. Don’t even consider a career change, though — it’s a lot harder that it sounds.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

While channel-surfing by remote control, you will accidentally happen upon a secret US government channel, and will overhear people in the Pentagon talking about their success with several operatives code-named after various amphibious creatures. A sudden horrible realization will strike you. Either that, or you’ll get jam on your shirt.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That’s just the kind of inconsiderate behavior people are starting to expect from you, too.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

It’s about time you became better acquainted with mustard. Get yourself 7 different kinds of mustard, and try them with oven baked home fried potatoes, or in sandwiches with good bread and fresh vegetables and some excellent Swiss cheese. My granddaddy Stonebender always used to say “Take a big enough bite of strong mustard, and your other problems will seem insignificant.”

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Beware the toilet plunger of Doom.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Oh boy! Today you will find some cool shoes that you’d forgotten all about, in the back of your closet. Oddly, they no longer fit, and are at least 3 sizes too large. This may worry you.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Today you’ll start a new rock group, named “SPAM Catapult”, and kick things off with a really smokin’ number combining the best aspects of reggae, rap, and polka.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Remember: Unexpressed feelings don’t die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don’t hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won’t have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

This might be a good time to refer to your roommate as “Watson” and say things like “The game’s afoot!”. Eventually, you’ll be able to reconstruct an entire evening’s events from a spilled drop of raspberry vinaigrette.