the daily humorscope
Saturday, December 03, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
I see you making a special trip to the store today, to get something. It’s in a sort of yellow-ish little box, about the size of a toothpaste box, I think. It’s “prep-something”? Ah! “Preparation”-something, I think. Oh. Ahem. Anyway, if it’s any consolation, I hear that Jet Fighter pilots have that problem much worse than most people. All that acceleration, you know. Don’t worry — your secret is safe with me!
(April 20 – May 20)
Ah ha! You will finally have an opportunity to use the word “plumbaginous” in casual conversation today! You will be discussing either bicycles or aircraft, at the time.
(May 21 – June 20)
Terrific day to saunter. Don’t let it turn into a mosey, though.
(June 21 – July 22)
Today you will be invited to go on a 3 hour boat tour, which you think will be lots of fun. It may last longer than you expect…
(July 23 – August 22)
A moth the size of a Boeing 747 will erupt from a nearby hillside today, and go off to help a huge semi-aquatic rubbery dinosaur fight off an alien attack. So what are you doing to help?
(August 23 – September 22)
Excellent time to show the world that plaid and stripes do too mix. (Tip #12 of Arnold Pinknobble’s “How To Get Noticed.”)
(September 23 – October 22)
Good day to begin writing that book you’ve been planning — “Growing Radishes Indoors”. It’s an idea whose time has come.
(October 23 – November 21)
Good day to get a potted plant for your office, which you should name “Throckmorton”. (The plant, not the office. Obviously, “Throckmorton” is a completely inappropriate name for an office. “Wiggins” is a good name for your office, if it doesn’t already have a name.)
(November 22 – December 21)
You will discover that by simply wearing a large amulet made of bones and feathers, and by carrying a blowgun, you can usually get a seat on public transportation, no matter how crowded it gets.
(December 22 – January 20)
You will soon learn to fear and loath the word “diaper”. Don’t know why.
(January 21 – February 18)
The currency crisis in Russia will continue to trouble you. The next time you have a dream in which you are told by your old Uncle Max to invest all your money in a canned borsht factory in Leningrad, you might stop to consider the alternatives. I hear that mutual funds can be nice, for example.
(February 19 – March 20)
You need to get more exercise, but can’t tear yourself away from the computer. Do what I do: glue your keyboard to the ceiling, and get yourself a mini-trampoline!