Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will casually mention the German term for “exit ramp”, and bring a conversation to a rapid close. That’s hardly your fault, though, is it?

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

No news is not good news, today. In fact, no news is at best mediocre news.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Good day to let sleeping dogs lie. After all, the poor things seem to be completely exhausted, most of the time. My dog, Maggie, is asleep right now (after a good night’s sleep, and a nice morning nap, followed by a good snooze). It’s a tough life, but someone’s got to do it.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will meet a tough challenge in a very resourceful way, today, using only a Swiss Army Knife, a transistor radio, and oven cleaner.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbors? Chances are you don’t know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Excellent time to start a new company, making software to help people with mental problems. You will call it SchizoSoft. Your motto: “Who Do You Want To Be Today?”

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Sadly, nobody will like your latest recipe invention. Perhaps the world isn’t ready for a meatloaf smoothie?

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Today will be a complete waste of time. You will at least learn to spell “equaminity”…er…”equanimbity”…no…hmmm. You will learn to spell a word like that, today.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

If a wolf is chasing your sleigh, throw him a raisin cookie. That, of course, is a metaphor for what will really happen.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

A person wearing a frilly pink tutu will appear, uninvited, at your next potluck event. He will become quite ornery, when you ask him to leave.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You are about to start a band, with friends, which will be called “Rainy Daze”. You will choose that name primarily because one of your group simply doesn’t care for “Clenched Buttocks” as a band name.