the daily humorscopes for tuesday, november 8th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Everyone around you will develop a strange fascination with Vlad The Impaler. This could be bad news.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

A man with a mystical yet somehow tortured expression will stop you on the street, today, and ask you for a name brand of prepared mustard. If you carry a jar with you, and surprise him, you will make his life seem worthwhile.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

The bad news is, you’re competing for that new job with a Hindu goddess. The good news is, if you think YOU have trouble figuring out what to do with your hands during an interview…

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Good day to get lots of water in plastic bottles, and shore up your other earthquake preparations. Nothing to worry about, I’m sure. Well, actually, maybe just a little to worry about.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

In a stroke of pure marketing genius, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Between now and the vernal equinox, trust anyone with freckles. After that, trust no one.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Today you will find that you can make an incredibly silly sound, and will spend the entire day making it, and then laughing.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Beware! Someone is about to come give you a hug.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

A lot of people still do “spring cleaning”, but only a few families have preserved the tradition of “fall dirtying”. Fortunately for you, your father always insists the old ways are better, and you’ll get to have some fun.