the daily humorscopes for saturday, november 5th

 

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

An old flame will call today, and invite you to lunch. It’s actually a trick to try to get you involved with AmWay. Also, check page 5 of the newspaper for something you’ve been waiting for.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You have exactly as much chance of having a decent day as you have of developing amazing telekinetic abilities that let you secretly give innocent passers-by a wedgie. Stay home. Breathe normally.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Someone will soon approach you with an idea. Stay well clear of it.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Itchy nose day, again. Just be glad you don’t have to wear a spacesuit!

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Today you’ll suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, and believe me, that’ll hurt.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Let the golden sun of happiness burn away your inner fog of disgruntlement. Remember: gruntled people are more fun!

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There’s something alive in there.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

As a joke, you will hold up a certain air freshener in a bank, today, and announce “this is a Stick Up!”. Later, you’ll have time to reflect upon the regrettable fact that law enforcement officials are sadly lacking in a sense of humor.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Good day to make a call from a pay-phone in a busy place, and say (in a loud voice) “You dumped the body WHERE?”.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Today is a good day to crash through the underbrush, making loud snorting sounds. Beware of poachers, however.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

It’s about time you learned some more recipes dealing with zucchini. Lots and lots of zucchini. You’ll need one of those new Martha Stewart “Kitchen Shovels”, I’m afraid. The good news is, you’ll find several nice zucchini recipes in my new cookbook “Recipes For Disaster” (the sequel to “Another Fine Mess”).