the daily humorscopes for monday, october 24th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Huge mutant gnats will pester you today. Or at least, that’s what it will seem like — sometimes managers bear a striking resemblance…

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

On a pre-arranged signal, you and 3 cohorts will start talking complete gibberish today, leaving the 5th person in your meeting entirely baffled. Act as if he’s behaving strangely, and look concerned.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Avoid yodelling today.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You’ll find a penny when you are out for a walk. Surprisingly, it will be the key to a wonderful change in your life. The trick is just to figure out what you can do with a penny, these days.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Family problems again. It’ll be just like that Rolling Stones song, about how you “Can’t Always Get What You Wa-ant”, except that in your case, you can replace one of the words with “Ever.” Try being positive and future-focused. Also, pretend you don’t speak English.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You’ll accidentally eat one of those fried Szechwan chili peppers today, and it will bring tears to your eyes. This will strike you as odd, given that you will be eating a ham sandwich at the time.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You are being followed by fierce warriors of the Nez Perce tribe. You know – those guys with the little frameless glasses on the chains around their necks? Not surprisingly, many of the Nez Perce became fierce librarians.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Today you’ll start a new rock group, named “SPAM Catapult”, and kick things off with a really smokin’ number combining the best aspects of reggae, rap, and polka.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You are about to invent a night light in the shape of a chess piece, which you will name the “Nighty Knight”. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will soon accidentally discover why it is that so many things “taste like chicken”. It’s because they ARE chickens, in clever disguises.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Your concern about the International Space Station may not be one that NASA has considered, despite how obvious it seems to you. I’d go ahead and send them a note: “Never serve beans in space.”