the daily humorscopes for thursday, october 20th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Beware of slime creatures today. There’s one lurking in the fridge, pretending to be lettuce.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Bad day to feed the Bengal tiger. Let someone else do it, today. Probably just an “off” batch of the Purina Tiger Chow, but why risk it?

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today you will deliberately annoy people by standing too close to them when waiting in line. Tomorrow: standing just slightly too far away.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Your slogan for the week should be “Carpe Dium”, or “Sieze the Day!.” Once you sieze it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

In a strange form of protest against the new trends in personal adornment, you will make mooing sounds whenever you see someone with a nose ring. Coincidentally, some of them will say “Hay!”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you will discover a little book called “1001 Names For Your Pet”. You should probably name your next pet either “Pope John Paul” or “No Clothes On”. That way you can say things like “Pope John Paul peed on the rug, again” or “I’m going for a walk with No Clothes On.”

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Good time to consider capitalising on the wave of 70’s nostalgia that is sweeping the land. Why not try making shag carpeting? At least you should sit around in your beanbag chairs and discuss it.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Birds figure heavily in your day, today. My advice? Wear a hat.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Today you’ll try the old “goat in a box” trick, on your new boss. It’ll backfire, though, and you’ll be the one with the clown shoes.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

There will be a great disturbance in the force, today. Fortunately, it will be caused by a really funny lawyer joke sweeping through the Universe, so there’s no reason for you to worry.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

By careful detective work and a hidden pressure-sensitive scale, you will discover that the young woman next door weighs the same as a duck. Be careful! And if I were you, I’d put your duck on a diet.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will find that it is true – everything is better with the addition of either chocolate or garlic (but not both). Well, except for running shoes, that is.