the daily humorscopes for tueday, october 18th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today old Beatles songs will be playing everywhere you go. Eventually this will make you twist and shout, until you work it all out.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will accidentally throw your back out. Not only will that really hurt, but the trash guys will get really surly when you ask for it back.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You need to stop accepting responsibility for your own life. Everything is actually the fault of that darned liberal media, you know. You’d be nearly perfect, or at least much thinner, if it wasn’t for them.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Lately you feel blessed with great abundance, as though your cup runneth over. Basically, you just need a bigger cup. You will have left-over lasagna for lunch. This is odd, because you don’t remember the lasagna being made in the first place. Just one of those little mysteries that haunts you in life.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Everyone you see will be “power walking” today. Ignore them — they’re just trying to get on your nerves.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

If you’re not already a vegetarian, you will be. Someone with the initial “E.” will make sure of that. Ed? Ernest? Dunno. Someone like that. E. Coli, is what I see. Odd name, huh? Sounds Italian.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon’s Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don’t want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor’s shrubbery…

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will rest peacefully, and sink into a strange dream. In the dream, you will be playing an odd version of soccer with huge clear balloons, and people will be cheering you on from the sidelines, who are dressed in white formal attire. Don’t go into the light. The extra point isn’t worth it.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will discover a small flaw in your character. Meditation and Ginseng tea might clear it up. Or if not that, then a few gallons of cheap wine and an adventure involving a cart filled with garbage, some gold coins, and a goat.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will discover a secret about the Spice Girls – most of them can’t tell Cumin from Coriander. In fact, some of them are vague about whether Black and Red Pepper come from different types of plants. You will quite sensibly decide to avoid going to their place for dinner.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will mosey, this week. There’s nothing that wrong with moseying, after all, and it’s occasionally just what is needed. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on “Mosey Your Way To Fitness”, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Why did life develop in this fragile boundary between earth and sky? Because life exists at the edge of chaos. You’ll find that is particularly true, this week.