the daily humorscope
Thursday, October 06, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
You will be sucked into a multi-level marketing organization today, and will lose all your friends, along with your self-respect. Later, though, you’ll realize that your new friends are much better than those old friends, and that you feel like you’re part of a big “family.” Or at least, that’s what you’ll say.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Today you will happen upon a prediction by Nostradamus which will scare the living daylights out of you. As well it should, although how a medieval seer foresaw your exact name is anybody’s guess.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You will become trapped in the sofa, again. People will point and laugh.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
A door-to-door arms dealer will stop by today. Although you won’t be entirely sure how you let yourself get talked into it, you’ll soon be the first on the block to own a rocket launcher.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Pinch your pennies, this week. Next week: fondling your nickels.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
It’s time to get a new perspective on your job. Try to think of work as a great big funhouse. Just without the fun.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Today someone will accuse you of spending too much time with your computer. The way to handle that is to say you’ve got “lots of work to do”. (And don’t let them spot you fondly caressing it.)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)
To your vast embarrassment, you will be unable to describe the differences between halibut, sole, and flounder. It’s easy to remember, though — they are (in order) “big”, “small”, and “clumsy”.
Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)
Excellent day to make strange “hooting” noises, while hiding in the bushes.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Remember: Unexpressed feelings don’t die. They are buried alive and emerge later as Border Collies. So don’t hold anything back! Tell everyone what you REALLY think of them! You may lose your job, family and friends, but you won’t have a crazed, hyperactive animal hounding your every step.
Witches Of The Craft® 