the daily humorscopes for saturday, october 1st

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to argue any more, unless you’ve paid.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Big career move today! Oddly, your decision will be somehow related to a pamphlet called “Goat Herding Made Easy.”

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will decide to go into the swimwear market, and will become famous by making things out of stainless steel.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Everyone you see will be “power walking” today. Ignore them — they’re just trying to get on your nerves.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Ian McHarg once said, “Man is a blind, witless, anthropocentric clod who inflicts lesions upon the earth.” You will come up with a brilliant rebuttal to this, soon. You will say: “So?”

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Today one or more close relations will pout. You will stoically endure this, and will steadfastly refuse to relinquish control of the remote control.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You are being followed by a man with an eye patch and a prosthetic limb. He, in turn, is being followed by a large reptile, which is making a ticking sound.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

A friend will ask your advice on a technical matter. If you answer, you’ll be blamed. Pretend you don’t know anything about it.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Have you ever considered adopting a new life as a “mountain-person”? Living in the vast mountains and forests of Alaska, hewing an existence from the unforgiving wild Nature of our ancestors? Nope, me neither.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Someone who you really dislike, who is arrogance personified…will be nice to you. This is a good time to be afraid.