HOW TO GIVE YOUR CAT A PILL

* Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook  of your left arm as if holding a baby.  Position right forefinger and thumb on  either side of cat’s mouth and gently  apply pressure to cheeks while holding  pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth,  pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close  mouth and swallow.
* Retrieve pill from floor and cat from  behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and  repeat process.
* Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw  soggy pill away.
* Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle  cat in left arm holding rear paws  tightly with left hand. Force jaws open  and push pill to back of mouth with  right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a  count of 10.
* Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and  cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse  from garden.
* Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly  between knees, holding front and rear  paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly  with one hand while forcing wooden ruler  into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub  cat’s throat vigorously.
* Retrieve cat from curtain rail. Get  another pill from foil wrap. Make note  to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines from  hearth and set to one side for gluing  later.
* Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse  to lie on cat with its head just visible  from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in  drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open  with pencil and blow down drinking  straw.
* Check label to make sure pill not  harmful to humans, drink glass of water  to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to  spouse’s forearm and remove blood from  carpet with cold water and soap.
* Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get  another pill. Place cat in cupboard and  close door onto neck to leave head  showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic  band.
* Fetch screwdriver from garage and put  door back on hinges. Apply cold compress  to cheek and check records for date of  last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away  and fetch new one from bedroom.
* Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from  tree across the road. Apologize to  neighbor who crashed into fence while  swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill  from foil wrap.
* Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with  garden twine and bind tightly to leg of  dining table. Find heavy duty pruning  gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open  with small spanner. Push pill into mouth  followed by large piece of fillet steak.  Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint  of water down throat to wash pill  down.
* Get spouse to drive you to emergency  room; sit quietly while doctor stitches  fingers and forearm and removes pill  remnants from right eye. Stop by  furniture shop on way home to order new  table.
* Arrange for vet to make a house call