A Dog’s Letter To God
Dear God, Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog.
- I will not eat the cats’ food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
- I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
- I will not munch on “leftovers” in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.
- The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
- The sofa is not a ‘face towel’. Neither are Mom and Dad’s laps.
- The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
- My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
- I will not bite the officer’ s hand when he reaches in for Mom’s driver’s license and registration.
- I will not play tug-of-war with Dad’s underwear when he’s on the toilet.
- Sticking my nose into someone’s crotch is an unacceptable way of saying “hello”.
- I don’t need to suddenly stand straight up when I’m under the coffee table.
- I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house – not after.
- I will not throw up in the car.
- I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
- I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.
- The cat is not a ‘squeaky toy’ so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it’s usually not a good thing.
- I must remember to lick my butt after I lick their face, not before.