Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Excellent day to devour fruit, while making snarling sounds and glaring at persons nearby. Next, tear the heads off the carnations and stuff them partway up your nose, and make strange wuffling sounds while vigorously wiggling your eyebrows. Or don’t, if you’re going to be stuffy. It’s your life.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Excellent day to study entomology — particularly the order hymenoptera. Be prepared to leap about, howling and whacking your trouser legs.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

A person named “Elmo” will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he’s dialed a wrong number.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Old Neil Diamond songs will circle endlessly in your mind today. I recommend screaming and pounding your head on the table.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don’t worry, though. That’s normal.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you will begin to have nagging doubts about your feet.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won’t be laughing at you, you’ll be laughing with you.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Angst day, today.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

In a savage reaction against what you view as New Age Wooly-Mindedness, you will write a best-selling book titled I’m Ok, You’re A Twerp. Later, people will often regard you as having “defined” the current decade.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Unaccountably, everything you eat will remind you of wild hickory nuts. This is the first sign of Gibbon’s Syndrome, and you should seek immediate medical attention. You don’t want to end up getting arrested for eating your neighbor’s shrubbery…

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Good time to compliment your friends. If you can’t think of anything else to say, tell them they’re looking “very buff”. That will leave them pleased, but slightly uneasy, and they’ll spend a lot of time looking in the mirror.