the daily humorscopes for tuesday, december 27th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Better have that spot checked out by a doctor. Sure it may look benign, but sometimes those carpet stains can spread.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

As Buckaroo Banzai said, “No matter where you go, there you are.” Oddly, this will not be entirely the case for you, today.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will discover that you can wiggle your ears today, and will actually become quite good at it. People will invite you to parties.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will get a notion to become a street food-vendor, and will make yourself a food serving cart for the “Bulghur Baron.” You will sell pint containers of hot bulghur wheat, cooked with sauteed onions, garlic, and other vegetables. To everyone’s amazement, you’ll succeed fabulously, eventually making millions off the franchise rights alone.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will join the ranks of the hipster cognoscienti. It’ll be fun at first, but later you’ll start secretly craving casseroles, and it will eventually become such an intolerable pressure that you’ll abandon your pale, pierced friends with the clever haircuts and move to Minnesota.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Today you will wake up in somebody else’s body. The strangest thing about the transition will be that you’ll have all the memories from the new body, and none of your own from before. Despite that, you will be somehow quite certain that you’ve “traded down”.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

While cracking your knuckles today, you will be a bit startled to hear a “ping” sound rather than a “pop”. That’s a bad habit, anyway.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will spend a lot of time contemplating four-dimensional space. Unfortunately, you’ll keep getting distracted by things popping into non-existence around you.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

An old man with bad teeth will whack you with his cane today, as you walk past. He’ll pretend it was an accident.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will realise soon that you’ve missed your true calling in life — that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as “Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!”, you’ll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

In an attempt to simplify your life, you will discard all of your footwear. Later you will regret this, but will be too proud to admit it.