the daily humorscope
Monday, December 26, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will discover an ancient stone tablet on which mystic runes are carved. Oddly, when you find someone to translate them from Old Norse, it will turn out to be a collection of moose jokes.
Beware of Poles. Particularly dark-haired women of Polish extraction. Due to an oddity of genetic significance, they will all be intensely silly for a few weeks.
After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: “Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies.”
You will contemplate nothingness today, but somethingness will keep intruding upon your thoughts.
Something will start to bother you, and you will eventually have to ask someone to explain it. The thing is, some birds have very acute hearing – so WHERE ARE THEIR EARS??
Good time to invest in collectible things you never had any use for. Susan B. Anthony dollars may make a good start. (Unlike your usual investments, the value of those can only plummet so far…)
So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.
You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.
Dogs barking. Can’t fly without umbrella.
And old friend will call today, who you haven’t talked to in years. He’ll remind you that you owe him money.
The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you’ll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)
You’ll end up at an incredibly boring social function, soon. Sometimes you can liven these things up a bit by simply bringing along and releasing a few live scorpions, however.
Witches Of The Craft® 