the daily humorscopes for monday, december 19th

 

 

Aries (March 21 – April 22)

Today you will use the phrase “hep-cat daddy-o” one too many times, and your friends will tie you to a chair, and gag you.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Beware of men on stilts, today. (I’m sorry, but professional ethics prevent me from revealing more. You’ll understand, though, when the “situation” occurs.)

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Beware of midget bookies, today. It’s ok to get one of those tiny little poetry books, though, if you feel you really must.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Try to avoid calling anyone a “vacuous, coffee-nosed, malodorous pervert”, today. (That can be taken the wrong way, I’ve discovered.)

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Today you will order the dinner “special” at a restaurant. You will regret this, however. Why? Okra.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will lurk, today. There’s nothing that wrong with lurking, after all, and it’s occasionally somewhat refreshing. In fact, you’ll soon begin work on How To Lurk, a best-selling self-help book on the topic.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will discover what Shakespeare actually meant, when he wrote “Hey nonny, nonny”, in Much Ado About Nothing. It turns out that it was simply in-field chatter that somehow made it into the play, and that Shakespeare not only enjoyed softball, but was a reasonably good shortstop.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day…a bad nose hair day.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will realize soon that you’ve missed your true calling in life — that of a New Vaudevillian, a theatrical marvel of the Age of Cable. Starting as “Professor Snibble and the Yodelling Pigs!”, you’ll rapidly achieve notoriety, and (much later, with a different act) respectability.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Today will be Mexican Food day, for you. In fact, chances are better than 1 in 3 that someone will refer to you as “Frijole-breath” before the day is through.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You are sad about an upcoming event, but can do nothing about it. Try knitting — people say it’s wonderfully relaxing.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will discover an odd amulet in an old curio shop, which is made entirely of holmium and yttrium, and which strongly interferes with the normal functioning of electronics. Best not to play with things like that.