the daily humorscopes for saturday, december 17th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it…

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It’s just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Good day to introduce a bit of randomness into your life. Try getting dressed in the dark, for example (it’s what I do).

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Good day to do a self-portrait. Or, if you’re in a hurry, you can do what I do, and just spray paint all over yourself and run into a large canvas. Art is easier than you think!

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Job interview today, eh? Good show! Eat a bunch of oreos just before, and smile a lot. They’ll spend their time staring at your teeth, that way. (Not at your resume.)

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will be afire with enthusiasm today! Unfortunately, someone will put you out.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that’s over-reacting.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Tomorrow when you wake up, you’ll make an unpleasant discovery. Sometime during the night, you’ll have been visited by the nostril hair fairy.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

After today the following expression will no longer strike you as being in the least bit amusing: “Friends help friends move. Real friends help friends move bodies.”

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

In one of those amusing misunderstandings that often happen due to bad phone connections, you will show up to go on a hike with something unexpected. If you stop and think about it, you’ll realize that it isn’t that likely someone would say “It may be cold, so be sure to bring a goat.”

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker”.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

If you don’t start flossing more often, the tooth fairy will be a constant companion. Start taking better care of yourself.