the daily humorscopes for friday, december 16th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You’ll get one of those pieces of toast today with a really big hole in it, and the jam will squish out the bottom. That’s it though, for today’s excitement.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will spend today in a state of mild anxiety. Probably Ohio.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

What goes around will come around, today. Metaphorically speaking, that is.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Today you will uncover a conspiracy, involving leaf-blowers and other noisy and completely pointless garden equipment.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Fortune will smile upon you today. Actually, it’s more of a smirk.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection “Yo Mama By The River.”

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

This week you will discover the first of the Three Big Secrets Of Success: It’s really hard to fail, if you have no purpose.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Time to commit some random acts of kindness. I have developed an algorithm for this. The next time someone asks you for a quarter (or any small coin), take one out of your pocket, and toss it in the air. Heads, give it to them. Tails, put it back in your pocket, and tell them you haven’t got any. Or whatever – remember, the important thing is to be RANDOM.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You’ve been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up!

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Good day to bring donuts to a meeting. Later, ask people how their diets are going.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Confucious said “Choose a job you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Confucious was a Harvard man, you know, with a huge trust fund. He certainly never “worked” a day, himself. I wouldn’t take what he said too literally, in your case.