the daily humorscopes for sunday, december 11th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will make new friends, one of whom will eventually borrow a large sum of money from you, prior to skipping town. Try to avoid fatty foods.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

In a stroke of pure marketing genious, you will start a company to sell fresh-roasted peanut butter door-to-door. Your sales people may find the peanut costumes a bit uncomfortable, at first, however.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today you will finally get around to exercising! Your cat will look at you like you’ve gone completely whacky. Don’t be intimidated, though — at least you never get distracted and forget that you’re holding your leg up behind your head.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Don’t forget your towel, today. I usually find I’m less likely to forget things, if I wrap them around my head. Everyone has their own mnemonic tricks, though.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Uh oh. “Bursting into song day”, again. Your friends will avoid you.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Good day to wear tropical fruit on your head.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right – in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Ever had one of those times when you ask someone “What are the crunchy things in the oatmeal?” and they say “Crunchy things?” Soon, you will.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Your plans for a do-it-yourself replica medieval catapult will arrive today! Soon, your neighbours will become nervous (but you can explain that their fears are groundless — you couldn’t possibly hit anything that close with it).

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will get a new job, soon, in which your most important activity will be to periodically “jiggle a little thingy”. While it will pay well, this will prove to be somewhat awkward to explain at parties. Eventually you will hit on the ploy of saying you sell insurance…

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will have an intellectual discussion with a potato, soon. You’ll be so caught up in whether it was Descartes or Voltaire who first advocated empiricism, that it will fail to strike you as a bit odd that the potato knows much of anything about 17th-century French philosophers. In fact, it knows more about them than you do. Later, that will irritate you.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

In a daring intellectual coup, you will translate a collection of Zen koans from Chinese directly into Jive, in an attempt to combine the best elements of philosophical thought and emotion. You will title the collection “Yo Mama By The River”.