the daily humorscopes for saturday, december 10th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Good day to work on your catapult. You never know when it could come in handy. Besides, it’s good to worry your neighbors a bit — keeps them civil.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will have a grilled cheese sandwich today, and a bowl of tomato soup. When nobody is looking you will secretly dunk your sandwich.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn’t I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok…actually, today you will have pizza.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will begin a bitter and drawn-out battle with a gopher. You don’t stand a chance.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Privacy will be an issue today. This may possibly be because a group of foreign tourists will follow you everywhere, smiling and nodding the entire time.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Excellent day to do something new with bean curd.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

It’s ok to spill the wine today, if you feel you really have to. Under no circumstance should you dig that girl, however.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Remember – every cloud has a silver lining, and every problem is an opportunity in disguise. So next time you see a problem, just imagine it without the fake nose and glasses.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

An old nickname will surface today, much to your dismay, “Giggles”.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Good day to put strange labels on your binders and file cabinets, such as “launch codes”, “who’s been naughty”, or “Snerge”. This will be quite effective in distracting visitors, so they will often forget what ever they were preparing to bother you about.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction”. Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will discover a new “5th law” of Thermodynamics. The first law says “you can’t win”. The second law says “you can’t break even”. The 5th law, however, says “never draw to an inside straight”.