the daily humorscopes for monday, december 5th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will discover a really cool technique of whistling through your nose. Oddly, nobody will be terribly enthusiastic about your new talent.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

A very pudgy cat will annoy you, today.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will develop the extremely rare “Perkin’s Disease”, and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, “Jim”, into wrestling a giant anaconda.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Excellent day to go into politics. Make up a new government position, such as “Regional Manager, Dept. of The Posterior”, and put up hundreds of posters of yourself. With any luck, it will be years before anyone notices that there is actually no such job.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Today you should enjoy “postlaunch solarizing.” Q: What does that mean? A: How should I know? It’s your life, you tell me.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Once you’re that far behind, there’s really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Today you’ll try the old “goat in a box” trick, on your new boss. It’ll backfire, though, and you’ll be the one with the clown shoes.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Today you will wear way too much cologne and make strange unconscious lip-smacking sounds. You’ve been watching Comedy Night on The Subliminal Channel again, haven’t you?

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You are about to have an unfortunate episode involving insects, grape Kool-Aide, and a revolving door.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will accidentally hit yourself on the head today, while putting away the dishes. While you won’t be seriously injured, you will begin having strange dreams that you are a half-witted Leicestershire workman living in the year 1771. When you wake up, you won’t really know if you’re a present-day person who dreamed of being a half-witted workman, or vice versa. You’ll also have the odd impression that someone named Lao Tsu is laughing at you… (That part is true.)

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Not a good time to discuss sauerkraut. At least not if you value your friendships, and your sanity.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will spend this week trying to get to the bottom of things. The good news is, you will succeed! The bad news is, the bottom of things is sometimes ugly, and often smells bad.