the daily humorscopes for tuesday, november 29th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

A hive of naked mole rats will move in with you today. You will find that they are relatively tidy creatures, but that it’s a trifle difficult to explain their presence to your friends.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will find yourself in a huge handbasket, before the end of the day, and it will be getting much warmer than you like.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Good day to bring home a bag or two of live bugs.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Everyone you know will wear unmatched socks, today. Actually, it’s stranger than you think — they’ll all members of a pagan cult, and this is Sock Swap Day.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will discover a sure-fire method of fooling all the people, all the time. It will have something to do with Cottage Cheese.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will overhear a whispered conversation, regarding how cute it is the way someone wiggles their tushy when they walk. You will have an uncomfortable feeling that they may be referring to you. This may make you a trifle self-conscious.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Good time to be logical and willing to admit error. This will amaze and confuse everyone, and some of them will be so flustered that they’ll try it themselves. Just don’t keep it up for too long – you might get “stuck” like that, and go through the rest of your life like some kind of freak!

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You’ve heard that when economists use the word “nice”, they’re actually saying that something is homoscedastic and nonautoregressive. Today you will find out what they mean when they say something is “like, totally kewl”.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they’re watching, no matter how boring it is. It’s just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don’t commit and regret it. It’s in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingy.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Tiddly wink day. Make it count.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Good day to doodle.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Your perfume or cologne has too much patchoulli. Only an idiot wears patchoulli. Or a witch. Hmm. Er, never mind. Wear whatever you like. I’m sure it’s quite nice.