the daily humorscope
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Today you will overhear people talking about you, and realize that you’re an incredible bore who nobody likes. Go to the library and ask the librarian for advice.
You will go on a boat ride, and a deranged bunny will swim towards you in a threatening manner. Unfortunately, this episode will be caught on videotape by a tourist, and your dreams of a political career will be forever dashed.
Good day to learn a new trick for dealing with people who come by your home to try to sell you something. Open the door v..e..r..y slowly, and squint at them. Then resume sharpening a large kitchen knife, while they are talking at you.
You will get through the day without too much trouble today. It would go even more smoothly, however, if you had bought that laser cannon when you had the chance.
Beware of short people.
You will invent a cool machine that will automatically make over 800 different varieties of coffee drinks. Unfortunately, everyone will go back to drinking just plain coffee.
You will read an oevre in a new genre. Actually, it will be an X-Men(tm) comic book, but you’ve never been one of those stuffy people who are unwilling to try new things.
You will make several somewhat inadvisable impulse purchases today. Fortunately, you will be able to return all of them, except for the Hormel “100 Years Of SPAM!” decorative wall clock.
You will develop the extremely rare “Perkin’s Disease”, and will start having a strange compulsion to shoot things with tranquilizer darts, or sell insurance. Plus, you will try to trick your friend, “Jim”, into wrestling a giant anaconda.
You will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier.
It will occur to you to wonder, what if Jesus had actually said “The geek shall inherit the earth”, but was just misquoted? Then you’ll think of Bill Gates. Then you’ll start to worry.
Someone you don’t like will make repeated attempts to talk to you today. The best way to handle this is to stuff extremely crunchy food in your mouth during each attempt, and then mumble “What?” while looking at something slightly over their left shoulder.
Witches Of The Craft® 