the daily humorscopes for Monday, November 14th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You will be hit on the head by a carton of yogurt today, which will not strike you as being the least bit funny at the time. Later, of course, you’ll all have a good laugh about it.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Good day to make a nice pot of gruel. Isn’t it strange, how difficult it is these days to find gruel on the menu at restaurants? Perhaps you should start your own restaurant (e.g. The Gruel Pot) to rectify that situation.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

A small packet containing 7 oddly-colored bean seeds will arrive in the mail today. There will be no return address, nor any indication of what they are. Only one way to find out…

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You’ve been complaining too much, lately. You might find more to enjoy in your life by watching a documentary about a lot of people starving to death in miserable third-world slums. I know that always cheers me right up!

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

You will be intensely jealous of a rival today. Finally, you will realize that it isn’t doing you any good to be jealous, so you’ll switch over to envy.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Good time to invest in stock. (The canned kind, not the dry kind.)

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

It will turn out that all of your life up until now was just a peculiar dream, and that you are actually still only 2 years old. You will find this vaguely irritating.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Good day to wear overalls and discuss bean farming with retired people at a diner or family-style restaurant. Or at least, that’s a lot more fun than what you’d be doing otherwise.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss’ IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of “Titanic II”.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Remember: it usually helps convince everyone you are right, if you jump up and down and yell.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

This week will find you explaining gender roles to the clueless. For example, men MUST continue to channel surf on the TV, no matter how interesting the show is that they stumble onto. Women must watch what shows up on the channel they’re watching, no matter how boring it is. It’s just how these things are done. Women commit and regret it. Men don’t commit and regret it. It’s in our genes. Some kind of adenine/guanine/trampoline chemical thingie.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

It will occur to you that there may be something behind the heroic and daring exploits of people in commercials for snack foods. You are absolutely right – in fact, snack foods can be dangerous if over-indulged in. I once wrestled a giant anaconda after downing a bag of Ranch flavored potato chips and a Hostess HoHo.