the daily humorscopes for Thursday, November 10

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today someone sitting near you will make repeated nasal sounds that will eventually drive you screaming from the room. Try to avoid attacking them with a box of kleenex upon re-entering the room.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you will realize that it seems quite impossible to make any sense out of life, especially when you consider what life must be like in Nebraska.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

A very pale young woman weilding a broadsword will approach you today to ask if you’d like your carnations pruned. Be nice and say yes. Reincarnation is tough on some people.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Excellent day to walk around wearing a white lab coat and carrying a clipboard.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Later this week you’ll feel much like Scarlet O’Hara did, when she said, “I’ll never be hungry again!”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

A swarm of rats will sneak up on you, and you will be suddenly engulfed in a squeaking, biting, torrent of rabid vermin. Oops! No, ha ha, looks like I forgot about the influence of Venus, didn’t I? Sorry. Hmmm. Ok…actually, today you will have pizza.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will get one of those pre-mixed salads in a new high-tech bag that “breathes”. Or, in this case, wheezes.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

During a walk in the woods, you will spot Mick Jagger. He will be gathering moss. You will find that strangely disturbing.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Beware the Ides of March. Also, if you have a friend named “Brutus”, it might behoove you to be a trifle more selective…

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

It’s time to stop beating around the bush. Move on to beating around the ornamental shrubbery.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You’ve been finding that the best-laid plans of mice and men often go astray. Or is that awry? Awiggly? It’s something along those lines. Anyway, the thing to do is to fire your mice.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

This might be a good time to decide what you want to be when you actually do grow up. I’m guessing that you’d be best off as either a yodeling oceanographer, or possibly a bovine pathologist.