the daily humorscopes for monday, october 31st

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Good day to act sneaky. Try glancing sidelong at people, or standing just out of sight.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

The mountain will be happy to come to Mohammed, but Mohammed should be prepared for a brief (in geologic terms) delay.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Try not to be too impulsive, today. Ask youself if you really need that howitzer, or if you just think it’d be fun to have.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You’ll become best pals with a large invisible rabbit, today. Well, actually he’s a “puka”, which is a type of Celtic spirit, but he’ll look like a large invisible rabbit.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

A strange package will appear on your doorstep — a basket of fresh longan fruit, lined with a page from yesterday’s Beijing newspaper. This could be a sign…

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

In a rather bizarre and unfortunate turn of events today, your lips will go ballistic. Shortly thereafter, your Ziggy Marley accent will kick in. You will be comforted to know that those are simply the first two signs of a “spaz attack”, which is more common than most people realize, and usually non-fatal.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You may lose sight of what is truly important to you, if you’re not careful. In other words, it not whether you win or lose, it’s whether you end up with your leg in a cast for 3 months.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Someone will turn a cold shoulder to you, and your feelings will be hurt. You’ll get even by turning a tepid elbow to them, later. Just don’t let it escalate to the blazing ankles stage, is all.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Your slogan for the week should be “Carpe Diem”, or “Seize the Day!”. Once you seize it, give it a good shake, just to prove you mean business.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Hmm. Hard to read this one. The carrot stopped right between “kidnapped and tortured” and “wins the lottery”. Probably a little of both, I’d guess.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

A member of your family will be involved in a tragic accident with an electric nose-hair trimmer. This will affect your attitude towards product liability lawsuits.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will tend towards simplicity in your life. The Voluntary Simplicity movement has been gathering momentum lately, so you’ll have plenty of company. And heck, who cares if it’s “voluntary”, right?