the daily humorscopes for tuesday, october 25th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

A man with a large nose will attack you with a sword today, while composing free verse in archaic French. Luckily, he’ll get stuck trying to come up with a word that rhymes with “l’orange”, and you’ll have time to slip out the back way.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Once you’re that far behind, there’s really no way to get caught up. You might as well do something fun instead. You can tell them I told you it was ok.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today is a good day to exercise that special magic you have, of making people smile. Try telling everyone “smile when you say that, buster”, for example.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Excellent day to be boisterous. Avoid obstreperousness, however.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Today you will discover a strange-looking thing in your underwear drawer. Best not to tell anyone.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Tiddly wink day. Make it count.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

A haunting melody will float through the air this evening, with no apparent source. It will turn out that a renegade oboe player is hiding in the shrubbery.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Beware of galoots, today.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Some strange “hooting” creature will hide in your bushes today. You should be able to drive it off by whacking the bushes soundly with a kitchen broom.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Someone will ask you what you want to do this weekend. That may seem like a good time to say “What am I, psychic?” It’s not, though.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You are being stalked by an invisible mutant from Planet 7. Or at least, you’ll find that this makes an excellent excuse for not doing those outside chores today.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Excellent day to run a new metaphor up the flagpole, and see if anyone salutes.