the daily humorscopes for saturday, october 22nd

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will have a sudden and brilliant idea for how to eliminate the U.S. federal deficit. “Let’s all just pretend there isn’t one!”, you’ll say.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you will be watched by cats. It’s nothing really worth worrying about, I’m sure. Did you know that you’ve started making little unconscious “squeaks” when you’re concentrating on something?

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Someone will ask you how you are, today, for the millionth time, and you know they actually couldn’t care less. I’ve found that the best reply in this case is usually “Did you know that there’s a spider on your neck?”

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Yesterday’s bathtub mystery will be explained today. Still, you’ll have no idea what to feed the penguin. Pizza might work, I’d think.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Remember that those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. Normally that’s not a big deal, but since your accounting department just changed its name to “The Mongol Horde”, you might take notice.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Your window of opportunity is rapidly closing! Don’t worry too much, though – the screen door of possibility is still ajar.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Put all your eggs in three baskets, today – metaphorically speaking, of course. You can kiss your first two baskets goodbye.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You’ll have a freakish number of plumbing difficulties, today. This is due in part to the age of your plumbing fixtures, but mostly it’s because Neckna, Queen of the Undines, has taken a strong dislike towards you, due to some rather harsh words you’ve had to say about the weather lately.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

A new love affair will have you all misty-eyed. Either that, or it’s the onset of glaucoma, in which case you should seek immediate medical attention.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

People around you are starting to look a bit complacent. Good day to adopt a haunted expression and carry a large ball of aluminum foil.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

A friend will ask you to give her a ride to Main street. You’ll forget where you’re going, though, and drive her to Distraction.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You will vow to always tell the truth, but it will backfire on you. Most people find that kind of behavior highly suspicious, and more than a little deviant.