the daily humorscopes for friday, october 21

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Beware of lightning, today! Either stay indoors, or leave your aluminum foil hat behind. (I know, I know. It’s hard. But I’ve learned to live without mine, most of the time.)

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Beware of iguanas, today.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

The world will be dim and grey, and cold. Carrion crows will caw at you from the edges of the world, and deep cold water will rush by in rivers without names. Ahead, on the peak of a mountain, is a glimmering golden light. Either that, or you’ll get gum stuck to your shoe. (Sometimes these things are hard to read.)

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Time heals all wounds, yes. But that’s not really intended to mean that you should tie Time magazine around your sprained ankle. It’s a figure of speech, you see, not meant to be taken literally. I have heard, however, that Newsweek is good for gout.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Due to minor lymph-node infection, several dangerous toxins will shortly be released into your bloodstream. Not to worry. You’ll survive, and the only permanent brain damage will involve an enthusiasm for polka music.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours “The Federation Starship Intrepid.” And always do that little two-finger wave and say “engage”, when you start off, of course.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You are coming down with a truly horrendous cold. The kind of cold that makes everyone else miserable, just by looking at you. That’s just the kind of inconsiderate behaviour people are starting to expect from you, too.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Someone will tell you that you “run funny”. Just ignore them. (And be very glad they didn’t see you throwing a baseball.)

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Beware of Doug.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will hear screams coming from a Hungarian restaurant, while you are walking by. Don’t worry, though. That’s normal.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

It’s ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They’re probably just jealous.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

It’s time for you to consider being kinder to your feet. And stop taking them for granted! For example, when’s the last time you sat down and had a nice friendly chat with them? Do it today!