the daily humorscopes for sunday, october 16th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Today you will uncover astonishing proof that the dinosaurs died out due to a retrovirus contagion. Furthermore, you will find evidence of a government cover-up of research that indicates the same thing is likely to happen to humans. Don’t worry, though.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You will have more psychotronic energy today than usual. I recommend that you direct it towards the fridge. There’s something alive in there.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

At this point you have two choices: you can either get a haircut, or dye your hair white and black and pretend to be an old english sheepdog. The latter is usually more fun, but slightly less practical.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Good day to begin making a monster costume. Be sure to make it nice and comfy, since you will discover that you actually enjoy lounging around in it.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Good day to use nautical terms in ordinary situations, and to refer to the different sides of your building as “port” and “starboard.”

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will discover a bassoon player hiding in the shrubbery. That’s not something you should try to deal with yourself — call in the professionals.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You’ve about had it with one particular fool in your life. Have you considered investing in a tranquilizer gun? Mine comes in very handy, especially at work.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Remember: it usually helps convince everyone you are right, if you jump up and down and yell.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You will decide to change your life by taking up fishing. Unlike the average person, however, you will be “strictly bass”. One must have standards, after all.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

A coworker is going to steal one of your best ideas and claim it as his own. That’s about what you should expect, though, from a cow “orker”.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You should give your car a name, so people will be more impressed when you give them a ride. I think you should call yours “The Federation Starship Intrepid”. And always do that little two-finger wave and say “engage”, when you start off, of course.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You’ve been thinking about stealing, to support your phonics habit. It’s time for you to seek professional help.