the daily humorscopes for sunday, october 9th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Arachnids will be especially troublesome today. Chances are only fair that you will make it through the day without tangling with one or more giant Amazonian tarantulas. Keep a stick within reach, is my advice. A big stick.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you will conclusively prove that despite what most people regard as common knowledge, monkeys only rarely chase weasels around the mulberry bush. They normally engage in that sort of thing over by the petunias.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Thrombosis. Beware. Also, your best friend will rush up and indicate by nonverbal means that Timmy is trapped under a log again.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

It’s ok to whistle while you work. Your co-workers will draw the line at yodelling while you work, however. They’re probably just jealous.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

A good time to learn to laugh at yourself. Or, develop multiple personalities! That way you won’t be laughing at you, you’ll be laughing with you.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

What are you looking here, for? You should be on a spaceship, sticking a fish in your ear. It’s not like you didn’t get enough hints. If you are vaporized, it’s your own darned fault, I’d say.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

So, you’ve decided to have children. Congratulations! You, er, do know that giving birth has been somewhat unfavorably compared to pushing a flaming log through your nostril? Just thought I’d mention that.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Someone will try to give you an egg salad sandwich today. Refuse them. Be polite, yet firm.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Today you will be overcome with a sudden strong urge to learn to play a wooden flute while cavorting around in the forest. I recommend you treat those separately at first. You’ll find what you need under “Music, Instruction” and under “Cavorting, Instruction”. Don’t get talked into buying any cavorting supplies, though — they’re really only needed by professionals.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will discover a new “5th law” of Thermodynamics. The first law says “you can’t win”. The second law says “you can’t break even”. The 5th law, however, says “never draw to an inside straight”.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

What you are about to do is wrong. Of course, you will only find that out much later. For now, enjoy yourself!