the daily humorscopes for friday, oct. 14

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Would you just Stop? Nobody else feels the need to dance around like that…

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Tomorrow when you wake up, many small objects on the carpet will bring you to the alarming conclusion that you have a live rabbit in the house. Search though you may, however, you will be completely unable to find hide nor hare of it…

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named “Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm.” You don’t need to read it, but it’ll be fun to leave around where people will notice it.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Someone will drone on and on, today. Try using psychic powers to make their underwear ride up. Even if it doesn’t work, your look of intense concentration may make them self-conscious.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Good day to curl up with a good book. Later, you will build a fort out of your furniture and some sheets, and shoot rubber bands at people.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

When you were young, your heart was an open book. You used to say “live and let live.” But if this ever-changing world, which we live in, makes you give it a miss, say “live and let die.” Or something.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will find happiness. It will look a lot like tranquility, only a bit fluffier.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You need to work harder on your friendships. Why, you sometimes don’t even like yourself that much, do you? Be nice to yourself this week – buy yourself some flowers or a nice gift. And stop suspecting yourself of having an ulterior motive!

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

A bit of investigation is called for, today. Look for clues that seem out of place. Also, check with the man behind the curtain.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Today you will get a wrong number phone call. See how long you can keep them on the line before they figure it out. Extra points if you can get them to tell you their height and weight!

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Someone will ask you for your advice. Don’t give it! Or if they insist, simply shake your head solemnly, and mutter “Much bad juju”, and refuse to clarify. They only want a scapegoat.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

As a public service, you will start a new company in your spare time, to help people who have been in accidents. All you will do is send official-looking letters off to their mothers, claiming that the condition of their underwear was “excellent” at the time of the accident, as determined by qualified emergency medical professionals. As you know, mothers are often quite worried about underwear.