the daily humorscopes for tuesday, october 4th

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Small fluffy animals will come over and lean on you, today. It’s just their way of showing their appreciation, and of telling you that you are furniture.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you will wear way too much cologne and make strange unconscious lip-smacking sounds. You’ve been watching Comedy Night on The Subliminal Channel again, haven’t you?

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Excellent day, today. Unless today is your 15th birthday, of course, in which case you’re destined to have a particularly embarassing episode involving a cat and an argyle sock.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will have a secret rendezvous with a representative of a large foreign corporation. The password will be “fling me a spicy burrito, Stanley.” Unfortunately, you may have to say this to quite a few people before you find the right one.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Excellent day to visit a bookstore. Try to find a book named “Make Money With Your Own Worm Farm”. You don’t need to read it, but it’ll be fun to leave around where people will notice it.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You will be tickled without mercy, today. Oddly, you will not be able to see your assailant.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will quit your job, run away from home, and spend the rest of your days working on a shrimp trawler, under an assumed name. Personally, I think that’s over-reacting.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You will discover that your manager was frequently taunted with a rubber chicken during his formative years. This will go a long ways towards explaining some of the things you’d been wondering about.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You haven’t been sleeping well, but that will soon change. You will develop the knack of falling instantly asleep whenever you want to — either at night, or during boring meetings.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

You will be traumatized by an episode with a stapler, today. You will be unable to even look at a stapler for several weeks, without trembling.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Unleash the power you have chained inside you! Just don’t let it make those annoying “yip yip yip” sounds or pee on the lawn, this time.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Office politics will be pretty intense for a while, and you’ll have to be careful. Whenever you go to the water cooler, be sure to carry a flag of truce. Remember though: in the long term, a policy of appeasement almost never works.