the daily humorscopes for sunday, october 2nd

 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Three kings from arid countries will wander by, leading their horses, and apparently searching for something. This will seem innocuous at first, but later, you’ll start to worry.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Today you will finally get to push the big red button! The main question is now…what are you going to do with the rest of your life? The answer, naturally, is “worm farming.”

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

This is a good day to bake. Cinnamon rolls would be good. Or perhaps some crusty bread. If you follow my advice, you will make friends and influence people. Otherwise a horrifying fate awaits you. No pressure, though. Do what you feel is right for you.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You will be hired as a cook/housekeeper for 7 extremely short gentlemen, who all live together. Stay away from apples, for a while.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Squid day, again. Try to make the most of it. Perhaps you could go around with a bucket of squid, and give one to each of your neighbors? Chances are you don’t know them as well as you should, and this will make sure nobody feels guilty about that in the future.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

In an unfortunate turn of events, someone sitting across from you will have a peculiar variant of a bad hair day…a bad nosehair day.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You’re having trouble getting your elderly relatives to pay attention to you. Have you tried talking with a Scandinavian accent and using a soap bubble machine? That, and accordion music, always do the trick for me.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Today will be mostly OK, except that you’ll learn to pay more attention in the future to the phrase “Careful, filling is hot!”.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You’ll find more, and very “interesting”, uses for cocktail umbrellas today.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Today is an excellent day to wink slyly at people, just as they are turning away. When they look back, smile innocently.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

Beware of short people.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Time to stop beating around the bush. Beat the bush itself. Give it a good thrashing, and say “bad bush!” in a loud stern tone.