the daily humorscopes for may 1st

the daily humorscope 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

A huge spacecraft will hover over your dwelling structure today, and secretly analyze you down to the last parasitic microbe in your epidermal layers. They will be on the point of making contact with humans, and offering us technology to cure all illness, let us live indefinately while looking like healthy 20-year-olds, and give us the ability to travel interstellar distances in an eyeblink…when they spot you making something with SPAM. After a bit of horrified bleeping at each other, they will zoom off, never to return.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

A man dressed like a giant shrimp will roar past you in an experimental hovercraft, today. (Again.)

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Today you will discover the original version of the nursery rhyme: “Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun, because he was mentally impaired.”

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Today you will go into the prosthetic forehead business, having heard that everyone wants a prosthetic forehead to wear on their real forehead. It would be a good idea to do your own market research, in this case, before sinking all your savings in this venture.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

A person named “Elmo” will call you repeatedly, and will refuse to believe that he’s dialed a wrong number.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Beware of bubonic plague today. Other than that, things will be fairly normal.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You will be buffeted by hordes of people, who will all simultaneously show up in your office “just to chat.” Eventually, you will make your escape by locking yourself in the bathroom.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You find that after all these years, you are finally beginning to conquer your fears. You will find that oddly frightening.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You’ve been trying to sell your car, and it just isn’t going anywhere. Sometimes it helps if you have a name for your vehicle, to give it more character. I call mine the “Millennium Falcon”. My passengers often become irritated at being called “Chewie”, though.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)

Good day to stand on the sidewalk near a tall building, and stare up at the roof. You’ll meet some interesting people that way.

Aquarius (January 21 – February 18)

You will be forced to re-evaluate your boss’ IQ, when you discover that he is looking forward to the release of “Titanic II”.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Nobody knows the trouble you’ve seen. Except for Bob, that is. You know – the quiet neighbor, with the binoculars?